John Marshall (00:32)

Welcome back to another episode of The Present Professional. Today I’m joined by Coach Monique DeMonaco founder of EQ Wize, an education and training company focused on emotional intelligence, brain science, and the soft skills that help people become more hirable, promotable, and effective in life and work.

Monique’s an internationally trained and accredited life executive and career coach with more than 20 years of experience helping individuals, families, teams, and leaders

build self-awareness, communication, emotional regulation, critical thinking, and professional readiness. In our conversation today, we’re going to explore why emotional intelligence has

becomes such a competitive advantage, especially for young professionals entering the workforce, and what parents, educators, leaders, and organizations can do to help close those gaps. Monique, welcome to the present professional.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (01:36)

Well, thank you for having me. I’m really excited to be here with you today.

John Marshall (01:41)

Likewise, likewise. So before we get into EQ Wize and workforce readiness conversation, I’d love for listeners to get to know you. So what led you into coaching emotional intelligence and this particular focus on helping young adults and professionals close these soft skills gaps?

Coach Monique DeMonaco (02:04)

Well, I’ll be honest with you. I was born and raised into an a low emotional intelligence culture and family. both my parents were mentally ill. I had undiagnosed learning disabilities, so I was always told you’re a lazy daydreamer, not very smart, all of these things. I remember when I was getting ready to go to high school, I had tried to sign up for French because I knew going to college you would need a language.

And I got called into the guidance counselor’s office who said and explained that I couldn’t take French because I didn’t get a good enough grade in English. And I said, Well, I know you need a language to go to college. And he goes, Honey, you’re not going to college.

John Marshall (02:48)

Unbelievable.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (02:48)

and so that kind of set the tone for me because we didn’t know why. For example, I couldn’t learn my multiplication tables, was was very, very criticized. And so

I kind of like my first job was at McDonald’s. My dad told me, don’t ever lose that job. You’ll never get a better one at 3.15 an hour. And then at the age of 24, as a single divorced parent, I got the opportunity to go to college. And I remember the first semester, it’s in a beautiful setting. And as you drive up to this oasis, for the first semester, I honestly believed that they were going to come to me and said they had made a mistake.

And that I needed to leave. And it wasn’t until that first semester was completed that I kind of relaxed into this experience. And I graduated in four years. and I ended up remarrying and having another baby and living a life that, you know, people like us didn’t live. You know, what I meant is I had an integral garage and a garbage disposal and build-in appliances, and we flew to go on vacation, right? Like, my God, I’ve made it.

John Marshall (03:58)

Yep.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (03:58)

And then when I was 30, I stumbled across a book that was the first personal development book I had ever read. And I recognized that I had so many issues, I was born with a U-Haul. And so that 30 at the age of 30, I went through 10 years of working myself like a full time job. You know, I did international training and traditional therapy and read thousands of books and all these courses.

And then at the age of 40, like I used to say I wouldn’t recognize the old me if I passed her on the street. And then I was sitting actually in a vestibule, everybody was waiting to pick up their kids after school. And I saw this cluster of women. and you never really know someone’s personal, you know, life, what goes on in their home. But all these women had second homes, you know, drove expensive cars, their kids went to the best camps, right?

They all dressed to the nines and they were just kind of like complaining about my kids and my, you know, what’s going on in the family business. And I literally had this insight that if this group of ladies can’t be happy, what chance does the rest of the world have? And

John Marshall (05:15)

Mm.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (05:15)

it just kind of like clicked for me. So I went home and went through 10 years of work, boxes and boxes. And I decided that I wanted to help people.

And so I put together a four week course and I actually taught it in a Pilates studio sitting on the floor with six women. And after the four week course, some of these women started coming to me saying, Would you teach this to a group of high schoolers? Right. And I started get 20 years ago, motivational speaking was a big gig, not so much anymore. So I got asked to do that a lot. I got asked to do this core more of these courses.

And then people started asking me for life coaching and I didn’t feel qualified. So I chose to specialize in emotional intelligence and I did that. And then after opened my first office. And then after that, I started getting requests for like teamwork and executive coaching. And I didn’t feel that I was qualified because McDonald’s had been my big career. And so I

went and I got my MBA with a focus on innovation. I realized now that no one ever asked, nobody cares, didn’t need it. But for me, someone who was told that they could never go to college to get an MBA I really did it out of two things a lack of confidence and to prove that I could. But if I could

John Marshall (06:47)

Mm-hmm.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (06:47)

go back in time, I wouldn’t do the two years

Because of the sacrifices I made, I was also building a business. I had a family. You know, I ran myself into the ground doing

John Marshall (06:58)

Mm-hmm.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (06:59)

it. But I’m always pro education. But, you know, I recognize that that lack of confidence made me drive drove me to something that might have been better off to do later, if at all.

John Marshall (07:10)

Mm-hmm.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (07:11)

And so I moved into my next office, which we are here now, and

It everything has just grown. I used to get requests to write a book. Why don’t you write a book? So I wrote a book. And then you know, I was really at the top of my game, or so I thought, and I wanted to expand the business more. So I hired a business coach and he would give me all this, all these assignments and things I needed to do. And he had a very good track record. So I would spend all weekend, you know, getting all my assignments done and everything. And at one point he came to me and he said, I don’t get it.

You have a great service. Your clients love you. You should have a long waiting list. And he said, I d I don’t know why, because you’re doing everything and you’re compulsive about what you’re doing, right? And you’re perfect about what you’re doing. I would spend all weekend doing a pretty simple assignment because I wanted it to be the best. And so I remember one Sunday I went to my own office and I have a six foot glass board. And I used one of my tools, actually a couple of tools, and I worked through it.

And what I realized was that I had already accomplished way beyond what my family had expected. Not you know, being the first college graduate, having a successful business, and that people like us didn’t do those things. And I’ll often told when I was growing up, nobody cares what you think or have to say. So I realized that because I had already exceeded that, who was I to think that I could do more?

And when I had that breakthrough, things started shifting in my business, despite I wasn’t technically doing anything different. And so that just drove home the point that I already strongly believe in every day. I believe it more and more, that it’s about awareness. You can’t do something about something you’re unaware of. So the more aware you become, the more empowered you become. And if I have to say in one word, the work I do, it’s awareness.

John Marshall (09:13)

What a powerful journey and story. I I mean, I can’t believe some of the things that have been said but to you like in your past and you know, coming from a pretty similar background, I it’s like I I recognize a lot of those stories and a lot of those limiting mindsets and beliefs, if you will, about we’ve

already made it.

Why strive for more? What is more? This awareness piece. And you know, we talked about in our prep call as well that this major part of your work is around awareness. And you summed up essentially if what you do in one word is awareness. But what does that mean in practice for someone that is listening right now that may be unaware of what they’re unaware of?

Coach Monique DeMonaco (10:13)

Great question. So I like to say there are no problem behaviors, but there are certainly behaviors that are a problem. And so it’s always what thoughts, beliefs, expectations, or interpretations of past experiences that are driving behaviors that you’re focused on the behavior. And in change management industry, right? It’s about behavior. Do this, don’t do that, do more, do less.

And the change management industry as a whole has a relatively low success rate because the behaviors are happening because someone’s unaware or something’s working for them even though it’s not working for them. For example, in drug and alcohol addiction, I’ve never met anyone who liked themselves. So that self-loathing, right, leads to self-medication, you know, medicating.

I’ve never worked with someone who, and I don’t this would have been a byproduct, not a focus, right? Of someone who really struggled with a weight issue and they think they just like baked goods, right? There’s a reason behind that. And so unless you understand stuffing down emotions or self-protection or whatever. people who micromanage, right, have a fear of letting go because they have a fear of failure. People come in, or I will get this a lot, like.

This is really a high, high value team member, right? They have a lot of potential. But in the end, they tend to miss the mark or they procrastinate and they need time management skills. They don’t. They need to discover why they’re so afraid of failure. And when you engage in procrastination, you are preserving the possibility of being successful in the future.

Right. And so if I give it my all and I fail, I’ve got nothing left in the tank if I procrastinate. But people aren’t consciously aware of this. So you have to be aware in order to do anything about it. Because like I said, you can’t do something about something you’re unaware of. And the behaviors will naturally and organically begin to change as you become a more aware. So the awareness, when you understand why you’re doing what you’re doing and feeling what you’re feeling.

then that is your nexus of control that you can start adjusting the behavior. And oftentimes it happens naturally or organically. And maybe it’s not a hundred percent, but then you’re making a conscious decision. So at least you’re in power to make a conscious decision.

John Marshall (12:59)

Without the awareness you are only empowered by subconscious programming to continue with the same behaviors, right? Or response to certain stimuli. But so I think there’s the root in awareness, but then there’s this also starts with being aware that there’s a behavior that we need to change, right? So

that I’ve seen come from a 360 assessment, a direct direct feedback, a feedback from your partner or spouse in the form of either communication or leaving feedback and just really feedback in some way that it’s something about me. And I see, you know, a lot of a lot of folks in like

Clients thinking that it’s, you know, something fundamentally wrong with with them, as opposed to just a a behavior that manifests from some belief, conditioning, trauma, past experience that they can look at. And what I’m hearing in what you’re saying is it’s the awareness not only helps the organic behavior change.

process and kicks that off, but it also helps you objectively look at the behavior as not a reflection of me being broken or a bad person, but it creates this objective awareness of, like there is some root of this in experience that’s not

a sen that’s not related to my identity. So I’m not broken. There’s this now thing that I’ve this root that I’ve become aware of that now I have the agency to make different choices, implant new beliefs, say the different thing, take the different action. But I just wanted to to call out that

that the awareness as you spoke through that

it made me really think about this identity issue as well. So I’m curious, you know, what are your thoughts about how that I’m broken piece factors into the behaviors that we see that people get negative feedback about or that, you know, are kind of sending our world and places we don’t want it to go.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (15:47)

Well, one of our tools are is the four core reasons for all human suffering. And the first reason is the belief I’m not enough. And I will say I’ve worked with thousands of people all over the world. I believe it’s ninety-five percent of people believe they’re not enough. So some people are as soon as I say it, they’re absolutely true. Other people aren’t sh necessarily sure, but as we dig deep, they’re like

Yeah, that’s true. like arrogance, for example, is always a belief that you’re not enough and it’s a coping mechanism. So the behaviors are always either a coping mechanism or a consequence. So if the first one being I’m I’m not enough. the second one being what I want is not available to me, even if others can have it. And when I shared in my story about, you know, business success, I had already accomplished.

Right, so right, it’s available to other people, but somehow there’s a ceiling for me. The third is the fear of rejection, which actually is rooted in our primal brain, because as a species, we’re not really that old. And it wasn’t that long ago when being rejected from your tribe meant you were likely to perish. And most

John Marshall (17:07)

Mm-hmm.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (17:07)

of us have had the experience where we don’t get on the call or we don’t get invited to the call or the party or

Someone makes an off the cuff remark and we will have a physiological response and be like, why do my feel, you know, why am I ruminating about this two days later? Why did I feel that tingle in my body? Well, that’s your primal brain saying it’s not safe to be rejected. And the fourth, closely related to that, is the need for connection. So in our brain, we have mirror neurons. And that’s why, if you’ve ever tried to teach a baby

You know, a toddler, how to eat off a spoon without thinking about it, you open your mouth, trying to get them to open their mouth. And it’s not a conscious choice most of the time. If you smile at someone, chances are they’re going to smile back, or it’s intentional, or there’s something going on, these mirror neurons. And I like to say with connection, let’s say there’s four of us and we’re really close friends and we get together every month for dinner.

And we talk about how hard it is to lose weight as we’re all eating cheesecake, right? And then someone in the group goes rogue

John Marshall (18:16)

Yeah.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (18:17)

and starts to live a healthier lifestyle, lose weight, or whatever. There’s a high probability that when they’re with that group, they’ll say, Well, here, just have a little cheesecake. It’s just this once. And it’s not that they don’t support you. It’s not about you, it’s about them. And this is our group identity. This is what we do. And if you

Can create a healthier lifestyle, it puts more pressure on me to do it. So understanding, and I like to say everyone has a pie with those four ingredients, but everyone’s pie is different. So when I’m working with a client, and you know, like I will have them categorize what’s your number one, two, three, and four. And that is the basis of your awareness. And

The human brain doesn’t fully develop until about age 25 to 27. And the last part to develop is our prefrontal cortex, which is our executive skills, delayed gratification, awareness, right? Those things. And so before, as we’re young, I like to say we’re just sponges where we soak it all in. So one comment, a consistent message, one experience can just become absorbed. It doesn’t get questioned.

And then it’s just part of how we see the world. And we’re not aware. So we’re not doing anything about it. And I’ve had clients where it was one single event that as an adult, they’re like, it was just a baby pull. Like, why am I so caught up in this? You know, how is that connected to I can’t have the relationship that I’m trying to build? Okay, well, we have to look at these patterns. And

there’s something that people just these four things are just a shock to them. And that goes with our, you know, like the four core reasons go with the

John Marshall (20:10)

Mm-hmm.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (20:11)

awareness and the behaviors and the creating change.

John Marshall (20:17)

even even more so these four core reasons not being I am broken, but there are these four core reasons why these things happen. Not just for me, but for everyone.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (20:32)

Well, I like to say right, the more aware you are, you understand why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling and why you’re doing what you’re doing. But the second part is you can look at others and have experiences with others and you understand why they’re feeling the way they’re feeling and why they’re doing what they’re doing. So for example, like explosive anger and those kinds of things. You know, anger is a natural human experience. Anger is not bad.

It is what it is. It’s what you do with it. So when someone refers maybe someone from the team for their their emotional outburst, what I know is it’s closely tied to I’m not enough. And so because they have that core belief, they see things through the lens of disrespect. It’s confirming that I’m not enough. So being able to take constructive criticism.

you know, being able to talk things through. And they don’t understand, you know, they don’t know what they don’t know. So what’s happening isn’t what’s making them angry and explosive. It’s what is happening is triggering something within them that they don’t know they don’t know.

John Marshall (21:49)

So it’s through awareness you can develop what I’m hearing is compassion for yourself and others. That you can see the

Coach Monique DeMonaco (21:59)

Absolutely. And we talk a lot about

John Marshall (22:02)

yeah, you can see the foundation under that anger outburst and have compassion for whatever might be beneath that.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (22:10)

Right. And when someone s uses the term like I’m broken, we talk a lot about the distinction between guilt and shame. Guilt is about what you’ve done. And it’s a way, a natural tool for us to be able to shape our behavior organically because it’s how we feel. So you want to be authentic and live according to your core values, whether anyone’s looking or not. But you can change a behavior.

Shame, however, is who you are, and the belief that I can’t change who I am, and so I must be bad. I’m not enough. So the distinction between guilt, for example, and shame is huge and goes back again to the four core values, the four core beliefs.

John Marshall (23:03)

So we talked a lot about awareness, behavior, and the route, but I’m curious maybe if you could follow the one thread that you’ve already provided about where you were at with your business, right? And realizing that that one of the one of the core for for you there was what is available to others is not available to me.

you had that awareness in your within your business and then things started to change for your business. When you say things started to change for your business, like what was the actual like behavior changes that you what were the actual behavior changes that you started to recognize? Was it being more bold with your offers? Was it the way that you talked about pricing differently? Like

What actually changed after you became aware of that root belief to lead you to where your business is today?

Coach Monique DeMonaco (24:06)

Well, part of it, and it’s not a direct behavior, so I’ll answer this question in two parts. there’s a small part in our brain called the reticular activation system. And what it does is it works like the fastest computer on earth, right? And it’s calibrated to each of us. So that’s why like negative people can always find something to be negative about. Someone who tends to be more positive, and I don’t mean pock toxic positivity, right? And more optimistic.

So you can have the same two people have the same experience, but they have different takeaways and how they feel about it and what they believe about it. So this is why, for example, if you learn a new word, and I’ll use I I learned a word in February called pomposity. And I was like, that’s not a word. And I Googled it, and it is a word. I’d never even heard of it. Well, then I heard that word three times, right?

Because that word had a meaning attached to it. And the more something has emotional meaning attached to it, the more you filter for it. And so our algorithm, if you will, filters for what is a match and disqualifies a lot of things that aren’t a match. Think of it like as confirmation bias.

John Marshall (25:27)

Mm-hmm.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (25:27)

So if you believe you’re not enough, you’re going to filter for not being enough.

So maybe opportunities, your body language, your expectations are going to just be not optimal. So when you can change your reticular activation system through awareness, then that begins to shift your life because you’re just showing up differently and not in ways necessarily that you’re consciously choosing. And so that is very powerful. Think about if you’re

Shopping for a new car, right? Now suddenly you see that car everywhere. That’s because

John Marshall (26:07)

Mm-hmm.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (26:08)

now there’s meaning attached to it. If it’s something is really emotionally charged, like the strong, strong belief that I’m not enough, that I’m broken. You’re just always seeing that because we’re not taking everything in. If we were taking everything in, we’d be so overwhelmed, would be in the fetal position in a corner, right?

But understanding, and that’s why my work is based in brain science. Everyone’s got a brain. Brains learn everything, our lives, our relationships, and the world. But most people do not have the information about how their brain works, right? What’s going on? If you don’t know about the reticular activation system, right? If you don’t know how the brain develops and how at a young age you’re a little sponge. That’s why, like around age 11,

Suddenly, kids who believed in Santa Claus are now like, well, that doesn’t make sense. We don’t have a chimney. Right. So they start to process that. So the reticular activation system, right, is really a big part of it. For me, that was, you know, a huge shift. I could almost feel the shift going on, like the world opened up. The other thing is because then I recognized what it was, I was more willing to put myself out there.

I was more willing. One of the things I did was I became very particular about who I worked with. We have a call before if someone has an interest in coaching. we have questions they have to fill out before they even get, you know, a convers get to schedule a meeting with me. I want to figure out is this person doing it for the right reasons or are they doing it because their boss is saying you’re gonna be fired if you don’t, or your spouse is gonna divorce you, or your kids are never gonna speak to you again.

you know, whatever it is. And if I get the vibe, they just want to check it off the list. I’ll simply refer them or say, I don’t think we’re a good fit. And that’s something that I would not have done before. So that became really embracing the value and deciding who I was going to work with or not.

And everyone deserves

John Marshall (28:19)

Thank you.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (28:20)

right help, but I’m not your person if you just want to check it off the list.

John Marshall (28:25)

Agreed, agreed. And it just doesn’t support the process of behavior change, right? You gotta be gotta have the intrinsic motivation. So

Coach Monique DeMonaco (28:35)

Yes.

John Marshall (28:38)

two parts. One, you change the lens by which you are viewing the world.

Right, more opportunities became available to you. You were it like you said, it was almost like this veil had been lifted and you could see the world differently. But then that was also changing your filter, like how you were showing up, the people you were letting enter your life and business, the opportunities that were the right fit for you, because you were confident that

you had the ability that it’s available to you to be more, right? To be more profitable, to grow your business beyond what you’ve seen or what you’ve experienced. Really powerful. Well thank you for for sharing all of this. I think we’ve really unpacked the the awareness, the foundation of it

And I love all of the simple but very clear and practical tools that you’ve introduced here. So that’s something I’ve I even in our prep call, I really valued about the different pieces that you were introducing me to and how I could just pick up radically complex concepts in very accessible

ways. So with that

I’d love to hear a little bit more about how you’re doing that, especially for young professionals entering the workforce and the work that you’re developing with EQ Wize And as we get into that, I’m curious how, you know, your own experience as a mother and watching other young adults enter the workforce helped shape what you’ve built with EQ Wize

Coach Monique DeMonaco (30:37)

Well, the idea of EQ Wize actually happened the weekend of I have twenty four year old twins. And last year, the first twin graduated and it was his graduation party weekend, and there were eleven young guys standing in the kitchen as I’m making spicy pasta, right? And two of them had jobs, only two of them. One had had a great offer and was told that they would have the job of the start date, and then the offer got rescinded.

And all these guys went to really good schools. You know, there were computer science majors, accounting majors, and I’m I’m just like a state of disbelief, right? When they all started school just four years before that, like there it was unheard of that a computer science major would not walk into a job, maybe have a job secured by the time they graduated. And so I had this huge insight.

Like a lightning bolt, which is typically what happens for me is that if we can’t help these young people, what are we doing in business? So, you know, you were looking in the new you were hearing on the news, Gen Z had the highest unemployment rate, double the national average since it had been like in the 1980s or early, I’m sorry, early 90s. And you’re hearing from hiring managers, right, that Gen Z

As talented as they are and as motivated as they are for social reasons, right, wasn’t really ready for the workforce and AI. And so we started really digging into that, like what’s going on? And what we recognized was that as far as the technical skills, even the technical certifications, Google, Microsoft, all these things, the market was now crowded. We now had, and again, I’m all for

college education, right? Any kind of education. But what had happened is we over the years we flooded the market with everyone has to go to college, right? You know, everybody, MBA, an MBA, which I have is a dime a dozen, right? All these things. Unless you’ve gotten it from like Harvard, right? All these

John Marshall (32:49)

Mm-hmm.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (32:50)

things. And so the field is very crowded. And based on what we were hearing and what we were seeing is that somebody needed to do something. And so we came

You know, we had over 20 years of tools. How can we help these? You know, when you’re working with a private coach such as myself, the investment is significant. And there’s only so many clients you can take, right? And so how can we provide easy to learn, easy to use, learner friendly, and share our tools and techniques in a way that they could accept them, right? Be motivated by them.

Oftentimes their parents, I’ll be honest with you, it’s mothers who find us a lot the majority of the time, right, trying to help and support their kids. And so we decided to start EQ Wize and we used young people. for example, Livia’s 25 years old, my twins were 23 when we were developing this. So it’s content for Gen Z developed by Gen Z.

So I had the expertise, but they’re the ones who were able to guide how we build the programs, you know, how it was going to be best received. And we basically on the website, EQ wize with a Z dot com, you look at we address the problems that HR managers are saying, we address AI, we address all these things in a clear, simple way, and we’re the solution. And what we did was we got these courses internationally accredited.

Which was a long, laborious process, right? But they’re conf continuing professional education. So when it’s international. So what we like to say is we are to soft skills, what Microsoft and Google are to hard skills. These certifications are meant to be listed on your resume. So when you look at AI filters, right? When if you’re going to be or a hiring manager’s looking at your resume, if they’re looking

for

EQ training, business etiquette training, critical thinking training. Well, it jumps off your resume. you’re internationally accredited in emotional intelligence. Let’s take a deeper look. And so with these courses, you know, the average course takes about 90 minutes or less. It’s $89 investment, so less than a dollar a minute. there’s assessments throughout, and then what you would consider the final.

People who might struggle with their final grade can take it as much as they want, as they need to pass. But the information is set up to be very user-friendly yet powerful. So most people, you know, the first time. And then immediately you list it on your resume. So, you know, most people don’t want to become business etiquette experts. They don’t want to become emotional intelligence experts, but they need the tools to be able to succeed.

And I know I was doing a speaking engagement and a keynote, and I said, Well, really, who’s the audience? Right, is gonna be younger because they came to us through EQ Wize And, you know, we’re talking about emotional intelligence and these things. And they’re like, everybody needs it. Middle managers, our C suite, please do not customize it just to Gen Z. So we have found markets with nonprofits

being able to get grants to help provide this information to young people.

Companies are coming to us and wanting to buy these programs in bulk, right? So it’s not just the individual Gen Zier whose mother may have found the program, right? And just wants to build their resume and learn basic, you know, working knowledge of, but other organizations and companies are seeing the value of this. And HR managers are saying, yes, we want this.

John Marshall (37:38)

Wow. Yeah, there’s you said something in our prep call that that I loved. If if you’re in the interview, you’re already qualified, and the interview is often about finding reasons not to hire you. Can you

Coach Monique DeMonaco (37:54)

Absolutely.

John Marshall (37:55)

unpack that for listeners now?

Coach Monique DeMonaco (37:58)

Yeah, I mean time is valuable. If they’re not going to interview you if your resume isn’t looking or your experience right. But once you get there, like how being aware of how you’re showing up. And oftentimes there isn’t good awareness. I know my son Henry, who just recently graduated, was in a five year program at Drexel. Their claim to fame is three six month co-ops where you work full time.

And he was working at Sinoco and his co-op was wrapping up and he was getting rave reviews and he’s sitting at his desk and his boss comes to him and said, There’s this guy wearing a hoodie, right? And tennis shoes or whatever you call athletic shoes. And he had his sunglasses on his head. And his boss said to him, Who do you think that guy is? And Henry’s like, I don’t know. He thought maybe he was somebody’s son. And he goes, That’s the guy who’s interviewing for your position. You showed up in a suit and tie, even though that’s not our culture.

Right. But this guy’s showing up for an interview. And you get feedback from HR managers that, you know, there’s a significant percentage of people who bring their parents to interviews. who use their phone.

John Marshall (39:07)

my god.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (39:08)

I’ve had HR managers say they’re interviewing someone and across the desk, this kid’s looking down because they’re reading off their phone. They’re texting. You know, they’re trying to find out what’s the best answer. They’re referring to notes.

you know,

John Marshall (39:26)

No.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (39:26)

your phone should never come to an interview. And people, you know, things such as, you know, tell me why this job, right, this role is important to you. I mean, one kid said, Well, my dad works here and says it’s a good place to work and he can help me get a job. Some of the things that people say, you know, not having a firm handshake, not understanding what’s appropriate.

Being able to have, you know, the good business etiquette, being able to answer questions on the fly that require critical thinking. But having the emotional intelligence to know how you’re showing up, to be able to read the room, to be able to do some research if you’re going into an interview about the organization and looking on their socials and how are people dressed. And don’t ask questions that you could have gotten the answer to on the website

or on the socials.

And while a lot of this seems like really, but for Gen

John Marshall (40:24)

Un unreal.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (40:25)

Z, right? And there are reasons for this that are not their fault. You know, a lot of the things that we’re facing with Gen Z, I would say almost all of them, it’s not Gen Z’s fault. It’s society. It’s their families, and not in a critical way. It’s just how the world has changed. I’m very fortunate. My oldest is 42.

My youngest twins are now 24 and I have a 31-year-old in there. I have seen in two generations how parenting has changed. I remember when I my first was born and his early years, right? We got a registered letter from the hospital that no baby would be discharged without a car seat. People were up in arms. Now your car seat iteration is every three years, right? And I use that as an example.

But I remember on shows like the Phil Donahue show, your listeners probably aren’t gonna know that show, right? The Oprah show, children’s fragile sense of self. Everybody needs to feel like a winner. We don’t want our kids to fail. And actually, you know, that’s gonna help them be confident. And actually, it is totally backfired. Confidence is an inside job, nobody can give it to you. It comes from failure and knowing that you’ll be all right. Resilience.

Someone with a low marker for resilience when they fail, they typically generalize themselves as a failure. This undermines your sense of self and undermines your confidence. Where someone who has a high marker for resilience, what happens is they see the failure as it is, an isolated experience where I happen to fail. So you can learn from it, pick yourself up and lessons learned. Your sense of self stays intact.

And you do not become risk adversive. And in today’s workforce and in life in general, you have to be willing to take risks. You have to be able to communicate in a way to be understood and to listen with the intention to understand. Where most people are thinking about what they’re going to say next or defending their opinion or whatever is happening. So the ability to effectively communicate.

The ability to be resilient, the ability to lead. oftentimes people are stunned by this. We are always selling. People say, Well, I’m not in sales. Everyone is always selling. What you’re projecting, being able to read the feedback of right, are people accepting what you’re saying? Is it a turnoff? Right. And social media, and obviously for young people, the pandemic, they’ve lost a lot of.

That interpersonal relationship skills. Delayed gratification has now become an issue because you can call, you know, nobody calls them, right? You can jump on your DoorDash app and get a coffee or your groceries or whatever it is that you want. So the ability to delay gratification is an important resilient, is an important marker in emotional intelligence that can lead and support you for success or undermine your success.

So as you look at these things, right, and people aren’t aware about delayed gratification. So in parenting, right, not wanting our kids to fail. I also remember it was around this time where Adam Walsh disappeared, right? And he was, you know, he was killed by a child predator. So you started hearing that it’s not safe to let your kid be outside. It’s not safe to not have your kid supervised all the time.

And so that’s around the time Nintendo was coming out and video games. And you would hear parents say, well, I’d rather they be in here on a video game where I know they’re safe rather than out there where there’s a predator that’s going to get them. But what you did with video games is you didn’t protect your child. You invited the world into your child. So people have hundreds of friends, but they might have a hard time coming up with 10 real life friends to show up for a birthday party.

And so this is all skewed. And we see high levels of depression and anxiety and lack of confidence for Gen Z because of how parenting was promoted. Right. AI is now making it harder to get jobs because there simply aren’t as many entry level jobs. And a lot of entry level jobs now say they went two to three years of experience. Well, that’s an oxymoron. Can’t be an entry level job.

with three years experience, right? But what’s happening out there in some ways, right, it’s not Gen Z’s fault, but they are paying the consequence.

John Marshall (45:26)

So so much in what you just shared, and it’s it’s almost like this I forget it was on some kind of social media or something, and it was it was a teacher talking about the impact of the No Child Left Behind Act and all of this

you know, participation grades and nothing lower than a fifty percent and all of this and like how it’s created, exactly the same things that that you were mentioning, right? This lack of resilience, lack of accountability, right? And like the the ability to take those consequences and learn and grow from something like that. So when it comes to

The way that parenting is, you know, potentially getting in the way of right, the development of confidence, motivation, resilience, all of the things that are going to support Gen Z or really anyone having a sense of a growth mindset going into what could be a challenging

conversation.

into a question that they might not know the answer to right away. So what can parents the parents that are listening now start doing differently to get their kids ready for launch, to get their kids ready for tough conversations. is it is it too late?

Coach Monique DeMonaco (47:13)

No, it’s never too late. We have a program failure to launch. and that program is like roughly around eighteen. So it used to be twenty-five. That program we’ve had to expand it to thirty now because we still have kids living at home who, right, are anxious and depressed and can’t work, right, or can’t manage to finish their four year degree. And that’s a family systems program. And I will only allow a young person

into that program if the family, the parents are willing to take part. And that doesn’t mean I’m seeing the parents as regularly as I am the client, but it means the parents are involved. And oftentimes what it requires is parents to address their own issues. Are their kids, are they living vicariously through their kids’ lives? Right? Are they enabling because they’re

afraid that their kid’s gonna fail and what’s it gonna say about them as a parent? Right. Are they attaching the kid’s success to their success? Are they afraid that their kid won’t be able to pick themselves up? Right. And so often there’s a part, particularly when you see entitlement and overindulgence. And when you get to middle socioeconomic and the more you go up to scale, right, of socioeconomic, you see this more and more.

because you have the resources to fix problems. You have the resources for consequences to not happen. Right. If you’re paying for your kid to go to private school, right, they’re going to maybe allow things to slide that they wouldn’t in public school. You know, I had a parent say to me one time we were talking about the the kid like just not doing their homework, not showing up for class.

And I said, Well, you know, he shows up for other things. Does he have a car? Can’t show up for class. He says, Yes. What kind of car? A Range Rover. I said, So you have a kid who can’t get himself across campus to a class, a one o’clock in the afternoon class, but has the freedom to go anywhere anytime with the with a credit card and a Range Rover. And she said to me, Well, it’s used. I get a new one every two years, and he’s just driving my old one. Right. So

I share this because this is an extreme

John Marshall (49:39)

Yeah.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (49:40)

example to make a point, right?

John Marshall (49:42)

Mm-hmm.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (49:43)

had a kid who was on an Ivy League sports team, wasn’t doing well, wasn’t number one on the team. So guess what? Dad used the private family plane to take everybody to Florida for, you know, spring break. The whole team came. And guess what? The kid became number one first man on the team. And so how were the parents identifying?

What is their like bragging rights? Or what insecurity do they have? And I can personally talk about this is I was so unhappy as a child and felt so lost and unsupported that I was too invested in my older two being happy. I had a very low tolerance for them to not have what they wanted and to be unhappy because it made me fearful.

It made me question, well, I wanted to give my kids a better experience and they’re unhappy. So I better do something about it. Right? That you can be president someday. Doesn’t matter if you’re good at math, you can be an engineer, right? All these things. Which, you know, anybody can work their tail off and become an engineer, I guess, if you’re that motivated. With my twins, you know, they’re a lot younger. Like, honey, you’re not gonna want to manage your in finance. You’re not good with numbers, right? Just having those real conversations.

You know, with kind of humor and guiding them in a different way. And because

John Marshall (51:07)

Mm-hmm.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (51:08)

I recognize that was my own issue. And so with failure to launch, it’s what is everyone bringing to the table? You know, are you enabling rather than helping? You’re helping someone when they can’t do it themselves, right? Or they need some kind of support. You’re enabling when you’re doing something for someone that they can and should be doing themselves.

So we see a lot of enabling because I don’t want my kid to fail. Or, you know, I want my kid to have friends. Or, you know, it’s important to the family that they get a four year degree and the kid doesn’t want that, not interested in. It’s not in their wheelhouse.

And so understanding you don’t get an 18-year-old. Now some, you know, there are some people who are born and have this propensity for depression, for example, the brain chemicals, which I differentiate between situational depression, right? Chemical depression or you know, chemistry depression. So you do have some of that. But you can’t just send your 23 year old to me and say, hey, fix them.

Right, if you’re not willing to look at what part are you playing, that doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent. Right. It just means how are your issues contributing to this?

John Marshall (52:32)

So it’s not again, yeah, not the bad parent, but the let’s become more self aware parent and understand, you know, o our responsibility for, you know, why why we’re sending our kid to you. Right.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (52:49)

Right. And there are times when

I have to explain to a young person, you know, you’re very coachable and you’re ready to launch, but you need to understand that your parents are not coachable and their behaviors are not going to change. So you’re going to have to, it’ll make your work a little more challenging, right? You’re going to have to be aware to not fall back in those family patterns because your parents aren’t going to be able to help you with this.

John Marshall (53:20)

Wow.

Huge, huge. And I feel like that’s, you know, almost something I had to come to on my own.

Like to find you know, to find my own mentors to to move outside of you know, outside of the family for for certain things. Right. I remember I remember showing up showing up to work. I was I was wearing pleated pants as like I don’t know, it was twenty I don’t know, twenty three or something like that. Just, you kind of dressing like an old man. Which I I didn’t know. Like those were just

dress pants. I just got off the got off the rack. Like, hey, these are nice pants. You know, until I got some some feedback from Pierce, like, hey, buy flat front next time. You know, like you’re you’re

Coach Monique DeMonaco (54:15)

I love that example.

John Marshall (54:16)

you’re twenty-three. And I’m like, Huh, like how many people saw my pleated pants and were like, What what is this what is he what is he wearing? But didn’t

Coach Monique DeMonaco (54:25)

do

John Marshall (54:25)

say something.

So I do I really appreciate the girl that that gave me that that feedback. Like, here’s here’s an issue of GQ. Figure out

Coach Monique DeMonaco (54:34)

Yeah.

John Marshall (54:34)

figure out what you what you need to wear. And I’m like, well, I didn’t get guidance from you know parents on certain things like that. And that’s just right a a simple funny thing. But when it came to performing in a high level corporate job interview, like there are no guidance. I couldn’t ask AI back then.

You know, it was trial and error. And now it’s it’s like the kids aren’t getting the opportunity for trial and error. Like not getting the you know, the internship or the entry level job where, you know, expectations can be low enough for you to still learn how to be a professional. So I’m very grateful for the the the era, the millennial that I

grew up as because we kind of have the the best of both worlds. But now with the advent of AI, I mean, in a lot of the entry level jobs, you know, becoming AI agents, if you will, I feel like that that feedback is so necessary. And for kids today,

They have your resources to, you know, to bring them up to speed with with things like this. But there’s also the the conversations that parents are avoiding, right? Some of these hard conversations or feedback that they need to have, but they’re not. And also conversations they need to have that they’re just not aware of as well, depending on where you come from and socioeconomic status and all of that.

But then there was one key part that I heard from you was this notion

of like enabling or or rescuing, right? But you’re you think you’re rescuing your kids, but you’re rescuing them from the very experiences that help build maturity, character, and resilience. So this might be I don’t know, it might be a hard question to answer, but how can parents still support

their young adults without rescuing them from the experiences that help them become more mature.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (56:55)

Well, helping their child to become aware that these things are necessary. Right. And that it’s a loving perspective. And having the conversation, right, about

You know, emotional intelligence is a bigger indicator of success and happiness than IQ. And we talk about IQ, we talk about, you know, the technical skills, and we talk about math, we talk about these things. But we don’t talk about emotional intelligence. And so helping your child to get the resources, whether it’s EQ Wize, right? Or if it’s maybe something that the school is offering, like we’re involved in continuing education at our local high school.

where we offer summer workshops and not making it wrong, right? You’re not a geek for doing this, right? That and explaining the reasons why it’s needed, right? Like as society, AI, the pandemic, rather than like something’s wrong with you, you’re not very aware. Right. So having the conversation about what it is. And having standards are a vote of confidence. A lot of times people are like, nervous about standards.

If I have a standard, that means I believe that you can do it. I can tell you you’re the best thing since sliced bread. But if I don’t have standards where I do it for you, what my behaviors are saying is you can’t do it without me. So setting a standard, if someone is, you have a young person who’s bounced back home after school, after graduation, because they legitimately are having a hard time finding a job, explaining to them that finding a job is your job.

And I expect you to work at like a full-time job. Right. And that, you know, getting up in the morning and start cracking that whip on LinkedIn, right? And looking for jobs in the morning, right? And you do it during business hours so you can respond to messages. You’re posting and asking questions during the right time, not at 1 a.m., right. When you get around to it. And having responsibilities at home. You’re a family member.

If both your parents are working, or you have a single parent, right, who’s out of the house, maybe they should be coming home to dinner every night. Right. Maybe you shouldn’t just be doing your laundry, but the family’s laundry. You know, what what are the ways now you’re an adult that you need to be contributing to family to feel that sense of responsibility and accountability? You know, getting a part-time hustle for Amazon.

to help you, you know, like earn your money or earn gas or whatever it is while you’re looking for a job. And having those kinds of conversations and taking some accountability. And what is a reasonable expectation for an entry level job?

And you know giving them honest feedback and having a relationship where honest feedback can be received.

Oftentimes, I’ll be honest with you, in my practice, I’m saying some of the same things their parents are saying. So I use this example a lot, whether you liked him or not. I remember President Obama saying, You can’t be a prophet in your own land. Right? He’s going to family dinner at the White House and nobody thinks he knows what he’s talking about, right? His kids are like, what do you know? Right. So who am I? You know, Monique.

Mom to show up, right? When I get home, nobody cares, right? They don’t see my expertise. I actually Henry one day he looked at me, I was like trying to give him some guidance and he looked at and he said, I didn’t pay my invoice, so you don’t have to help me.

And so understanding, you know, being able to talk to your child in a way that they can hear you not the way that you think they should, or you would be talking to a peer. And, you know, so those standards and helping that awareness and where can we go for resources? I mean, that was one of the things like when we set our price point for EQ Wize, we did it on research.

to make sure that we were below that we were very cost effective and creating a sense of commitment because it’s an investment, but making it accessible.

And you know, encouraging kids to go out and find these resources

themselves.

John Marshall (1:01:46)

So for parents, young professionals and employers that might be listening, what is one small step that each group can take after the episode to

Get our workforce ready for the future.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (1:02:06)

So, what parents and families can do is each person can identify like what’s a problem behavior or what’s an area where there’s a struggle. Asking parents asking themselves and answering their young people. And what do you think it’s rooted in? So reflect back on the four core reasons. So everyone begins to like understand, yeah, this is a problem, or I understand where this problem is coming from.

And if you have a family culture where people can share, like having a conversation about that, or if everybody wants to keep their answer privately, but sitting down with that tool, sharing that tool with the family. And so that’s something that individuals and families can do. And I think HR managers and the feedback that we’re getting is investing in your people. Your people are your biggest resource, right? Your biggest asset.

And so, how can you invest in them? And how can you send a message that we’re investing in you because we see what you bring to the table and we value you? So we’re making an investment in what we believe in, not as a consequence or a punishment. And so today, Gen Z is very, very interested in opportunities for growth. They want that. They will pass up a job.

That might have a little higher compensation package and go over here because they can clearly see room for growth and opportunity. So use that in their right. If you’re going to invest in me, if you’re going to give me some guidance, they want that, and that makes you more desirable. So getting into the mindset for HR managers of what’s important to Gen Z.

And trying to meet some of those needs as well, rather than just looking at it one-sided. And that’s not a Pollyanish approach, right? It’s about like we want the talent, we want to fill the pipeline with people that we can develop. So we need to message that about what opportunities do we offer? What is the pathway to success here? Clearly defined roles.

John Marshall (1:04:32)

So it’s speaking to the things that your incoming employees, like your top talent, is going to value as opposed to, you know, just the compensation or just some other markers that you’re getting from market data, but it’s like how are you articulating how we invest in your potential?

Coach Monique DeMonaco (1:04:56)

Right. Compensation alone

John Marshall (1:04:58)

Well said.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (1:04:59)

is not enough anymore. I mean, strictly financial compensation is not enough. It’s like how can I grow? How can I evolve?

John Marshall (1:05:11)

That’s beautiful. So where can listeners learn more about you, EQ Wize and the courses or coaching work that you offer?

Coach Monique DeMonaco (1:05:24)

So if you go to coachmonique.com, that’s our individual group coaching. Those are the personal relationships. We have a tab for failure to launch, life coaching, executive coaching. I think we’ve done a good job providing information. You know, you can set up discovery calls with questions or finding out if that’s a good fit. at eqwize.com, and that’s wize with a Z, you can

Here the reasons, right? Here are the problems, here are the solutions. It’s very cut and dry. And here’s a course or certification. And thinking about how this is going to make your resume pop, right? A Google, you know, certification is nice, but maybe they’re becoming less valuable in the workplace because they’re so. So which of these certifications might really make your resume pop? So going to EQ Wize first.

For those kinds of things, and we have offers. So in our coaching program at coachmonique.com, typically our programs are eight sessions. So for your listeners, we are giving them nine sessions. So they get an extra session as a compliment from being here. For EQ Wize, it’s 15% off a course. For both of them, the code for the discounts are all caps T.

P P

John Marshall (1:06:53)

Beautiful. Thank you for that. And listeners, we’ll include all of those details in the show notes as well. So you’ll be able to connect with Coach Monique and EQ Wize and share this with a family you know that could benefit from something like this if it’s not your own as well. So, you know

Monique, this is like when I met you when we had our prep call and everything, I just so latched on to the the work that you’re doing. And it’s it’s so needed for the next generation and generations to come. And I think it’s something that our industry in coaching and training has been overlooking. So, you know, I just

One, just wanna thank you for the work that you’re doing and all of the insights that you shared with listeners today. Again, I just appreciate the practical applicability of all of your frameworks and the detail that you share and make it accessible for so many people. So I think people are really gonna benefit from this conversation and the work that you do. I appreciate you being here.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (1:08:09)

Well, thank you so much. I had a great time being here. I just love this format of conversation. So it’s been a real pleasure. And I also want to say if you follow us on our socials, we provide a lot of content, like for coaching. We have coaching on the couch or coaching from the couch. So we give like 30-second blurbs of tools, techniques, and insights. So we’re just really trying to get the information out there for people, whether they become clients or not.

John Marshall (1:08:38)

Beautiful. Well, thank you so much for sharing that and sharing your presence here at The Present Professional. And listeners, thank you for granting us with your presence as well and tuning in again and again. Again, I always appreciate your

being here, your contribution every time that you listen, and would be very, very grateful for a contribution of your rating and review wherever you are listening to this podcast today. It goes a long way for the promotion of the show and for getting these insights out to more people that can benefit from conversations like this. So thank you for your contribution in advance and we’ll see you next time.

John Marshall (00:32)
Welcome back to another episode of The Present Professional. Today I’m joined by Coach Monique DeMonaco founder of EQ Wize, an education and training company focused on emotional intelligence, brain science, and the soft skills that help people become more hirable, promotable, and effective in life and work.

Monique’s an internationally trained and accredited life executive and career coach with more than 20 years of experience helping individuals, families, teams, and leaders

build self-awareness, communication, emotional regulation, critical thinking, and professional readiness. In our conversation today, we’re going to explore why emotional intelligence has

becomes such a competitive advantage, especially for young professionals entering the workforce, and what parents, educators, leaders, and organizations can do to help close those gaps. Monique, welcome to the present professional.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (01:36)
Well, thank you for having me. I’m really excited to be here with you today.

John Marshall (01:41)
Likewise, likewise. So before we get into EQ Wize and workforce readiness conversation, I’d love for listeners to get to know you. So what led you into coaching emotional intelligence and this particular focus on helping young adults and professionals close these soft skills gaps?

Coach Monique DeMonaco (02:04)
Well, I’ll be honest with you. I was born and raised into an a low emotional intelligence culture and family. both my parents were mentally ill. I had undiagnosed learning disabilities, so I was always told you’re a lazy daydreamer, not very smart, all of these things. I remember when I was getting ready to go to high school, I had tried to sign up for French because I knew going to college you would need a language.

And I got called into the guidance counselor’s office who said and explained that I couldn’t take French because I didn’t get a good enough grade in English. And I said, Well, I know you need a language to go to college. And he goes, Honey, you’re not going to college.

John Marshall (02:48)
Unbelievable.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (02:48)
and so that kind of set the tone for me because we didn’t know why. For example, I couldn’t learn my multiplication tables, was was very, very criticized. And so

I kind of like my first job was at McDonald’s. My dad told me, don’t ever lose that job. You’ll never get a better one at 3.15 an hour. And then at the age of 24, as a single divorced parent, I got the opportunity to go to college. And I remember the first semester, it’s in a beautiful setting. And as you drive up to this oasis, for the first semester, I honestly believed that they were going to come to me and said they had made a mistake.

And that I needed to leave. And it wasn’t until that first semester was completed that I kind of relaxed into this experience. And I graduated in four years. and I ended up remarrying and having another baby and living a life that, you know, people like us didn’t live. You know, what I meant is I had an integral garage and a garbage disposal and build-in appliances, and we flew to go on vacation, right? Like, my God, I’ve made it.

John Marshall (03:58)
Yep.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (03:58)
And then when I was 30, I stumbled across a book that was the first personal development book I had ever read. And I recognized that I had so many issues, I was born with a U-Haul. And so that 30 at the age of 30, I went through 10 years of working myself like a full time job. You know, I did international training and traditional therapy and read thousands of books and all these courses.

And then at the age of 40, like I used to say I wouldn’t recognize the old me if I passed her on the street. And then I was sitting actually in a vestibule, everybody was waiting to pick up their kids after school. And I saw this cluster of women. and you never really know someone’s personal, you know, life, what goes on in their home. But all these women had second homes, you know, drove expensive cars, their kids went to the best camps, right?

They all dressed to the nines and they were just kind of like complaining about my kids and my, you know, what’s going on in the family business. And I literally had this insight that if this group of ladies can’t be happy, what chance does the rest of the world have? And

John Marshall (05:15)
Mm.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (05:15)
it just kind of like clicked for me. So I went home and went through 10 years of work, boxes and boxes. And I decided that I wanted to help people.

And so I put together a four week course and I actually taught it in a Pilates studio sitting on the floor with six women. And after the four week course, some of these women started coming to me saying, Would you teach this to a group of high schoolers? Right. And I started get 20 years ago, motivational speaking was a big gig, not so much anymore. So I got asked to do that a lot. I got asked to do this core more of these courses.

And then people started asking me for life coaching and I didn’t feel qualified. So I chose to specialize in emotional intelligence and I did that. And then after opened my first office. And then after that, I started getting requests for like teamwork and executive coaching. And I didn’t feel that I was qualified because McDonald’s had been my big career. And so I

went and I got my MBA with a focus on innovation. I realized now that no one ever asked, nobody cares, didn’t need it. But for me, someone who was told that they could never go to college to get an MBA I really did it out of two things a lack of confidence and to prove that I could. But if I could

John Marshall (06:47)
Mm-hmm.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (06:47)
go back in time, I wouldn’t do the two years

Because of the sacrifices I made, I was also building a business. I had a family. You know, I ran myself into the ground doing

John Marshall (06:58)
Mm-hmm.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (06:59)
it. But I’m always pro education. But, you know, I recognize that that lack of confidence made me drive drove me to something that might have been better off to do later, if at all.

John Marshall (07:10)
Mm-hmm.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (07:11)
And so I moved into my next office, which we are here now, and

It everything has just grown. I used to get requests to write a book. Why don’t you write a book? So I wrote a book. And then you know, I was really at the top of my game, or so I thought, and I wanted to expand the business more. So I hired a business coach and he would give me all this, all these assignments and things I needed to do. And he had a very good track record. So I would spend all weekend, you know, getting all my assignments done and everything. And at one point he came to me and he said, I don’t get it.

You have a great service. Your clients love you. You should have a long waiting list. And he said, I d I don’t know why, because you’re doing everything and you’re compulsive about what you’re doing, right? And you’re perfect about what you’re doing. I would spend all weekend doing a pretty simple assignment because I wanted it to be the best. And so I remember one Sunday I went to my own office and I have a six foot glass board. And I used one of my tools, actually a couple of tools, and I worked through it.

And what I realized was that I had already accomplished way beyond what my family had expected. Not you know, being the first college graduate, having a successful business, and that people like us didn’t do those things. And I’ll often told when I was growing up, nobody cares what you think or have to say. So I realized that because I had already exceeded that, who was I to think that I could do more?

And when I had that breakthrough, things started shifting in my business, despite I wasn’t technically doing anything different. And so that just drove home the point that I already strongly believe in every day. I believe it more and more, that it’s about awareness. You can’t do something about something you’re unaware of. So the more aware you become, the more empowered you become. And if I have to say in one word, the work I do, it’s awareness.

John Marshall (09:13)
What a powerful journey and story. I I mean, I can’t believe some of the things that have been said but to you like in your past and you know, coming from a pretty similar background, I it’s like I I recognize a lot of those stories and a lot of those limiting mindsets and beliefs, if you will, about we’ve

already made it.

Why strive for more? What is more? This awareness piece. And you know, we talked about in our prep call as well that this major part of your work is around awareness. And you summed up essentially if what you do in one word is awareness. But what does that mean in practice for someone that is listening right now that may be unaware of what they’re unaware of?

Coach Monique DeMonaco (10:13)
Great question. So I like to say there are no problem behaviors, but there are certainly behaviors that are a problem. And so it’s always what thoughts, beliefs, expectations, or interpretations of past experiences that are driving behaviors that you’re focused on the behavior. And in change management industry, right? It’s about behavior. Do this, don’t do that, do more, do less.

And the change management industry as a whole has a relatively low success rate because the behaviors are happening because someone’s unaware or something’s working for them even though it’s not working for them. For example, in drug and alcohol addiction, I’ve never met anyone who liked themselves. So that self-loathing, right, leads to self-medication, you know, medicating.

I’ve never worked with someone who, and I don’t this would have been a byproduct, not a focus, right? Of someone who really struggled with a weight issue and they think they just like baked goods, right? There’s a reason behind that. And so unless you understand stuffing down emotions or self-protection or whatever. people who micromanage, right, have a fear of letting go because they have a fear of failure. People come in, or I will get this a lot, like.

This is really a high, high value team member, right? They have a lot of potential. But in the end, they tend to miss the mark or they procrastinate and they need time management skills. They don’t. They need to discover why they’re so afraid of failure. And when you engage in procrastination, you are preserving the possibility of being successful in the future.

Right. And so if I give it my all and I fail, I’ve got nothing left in the tank if I procrastinate. But people aren’t consciously aware of this. So you have to be aware in order to do anything about it. Because like I said, you can’t do something about something you’re unaware of. And the behaviors will naturally and organically begin to change as you become a more aware. So the awareness, when you understand why you’re doing what you’re doing and feeling what you’re feeling.

then that is your nexus of control that you can start adjusting the behavior. And oftentimes it happens naturally or organically. And maybe it’s not a hundred percent, but then you’re making a conscious decision. So at least you’re in power to make a conscious decision.

John Marshall (12:59)
Without the awareness you are only empowered by subconscious programming to continue with the same behaviors, right? Or response to certain stimuli. But so I think there’s the root in awareness, but then there’s this also starts with being aware that there’s a behavior that we need to change, right? So

that I’ve seen come from a 360 assessment, a direct direct feedback, a feedback from your partner or spouse in the form of either communication or leaving feedback and just really feedback in some way that it’s something about me. And I see, you know, a lot of a lot of folks in like

Clients thinking that it’s, you know, something fundamentally wrong with with them, as opposed to just a a behavior that manifests from some belief, conditioning, trauma, past experience that they can look at. And what I’m hearing in what you’re saying is it’s the awareness not only helps the organic behavior change.

process and kicks that off, but it also helps you objectively look at the behavior as not a reflection of me being broken or a bad person, but it creates this objective awareness of, like there is some root of this in experience that’s not

a sen that’s not related to my identity. So I’m not broken. There’s this now thing that I’ve this root that I’ve become aware of that now I have the agency to make different choices, implant new beliefs, say the different thing, take the different action. But I just wanted to to call out that

that the awareness as you spoke through that

it made me really think about this identity issue as well. So I’m curious, you know, what are your thoughts about how that I’m broken piece factors into the behaviors that we see that people get negative feedback about or that, you know, are kind of sending our world and places we don’t want it to go.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (15:47)
Well, one of our tools are is the four core reasons for all human suffering. And the first reason is the belief I’m not enough. And I will say I’ve worked with thousands of people all over the world. I believe it’s ninety-five percent of people believe they’re not enough. So some people are as soon as I say it, they’re absolutely true. Other people aren’t sh necessarily sure, but as we dig deep, they’re like

Yeah, that’s true. like arrogance, for example, is always a belief that you’re not enough and it’s a coping mechanism. So the behaviors are always either a coping mechanism or a consequence. So if the first one being I’m I’m not enough. the second one being what I want is not available to me, even if others can have it. And when I shared in my story about, you know, business success, I had already accomplished.

Right, so right, it’s available to other people, but somehow there’s a ceiling for me. The third is the fear of rejection, which actually is rooted in our primal brain, because as a species, we’re not really that old. And it wasn’t that long ago when being rejected from your tribe meant you were likely to perish. And most

John Marshall (17:07)
Mm-hmm.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (17:07)
of us have had the experience where we don’t get on the call or we don’t get invited to the call or the party or

Someone makes an off the cuff remark and we will have a physiological response and be like, why do my feel, you know, why am I ruminating about this two days later? Why did I feel that tingle in my body? Well, that’s your primal brain saying it’s not safe to be rejected. And the fourth, closely related to that, is the need for connection. So in our brain, we have mirror neurons. And that’s why, if you’ve ever tried to teach a baby

You know, a toddler, how to eat off a spoon without thinking about it, you open your mouth, trying to get them to open their mouth. And it’s not a conscious choice most of the time. If you smile at someone, chances are they’re going to smile back, or it’s intentional, or there’s something going on, these mirror neurons. And I like to say with connection, let’s say there’s four of us and we’re really close friends and we get together every month for dinner.

And we talk about how hard it is to lose weight as we’re all eating cheesecake, right? And then someone in the group goes rogue

John Marshall (18:16)
Yeah.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (18:17)
and starts to live a healthier lifestyle, lose weight, or whatever. There’s a high probability that when they’re with that group, they’ll say, Well, here, just have a little cheesecake. It’s just this once. And it’s not that they don’t support you. It’s not about you, it’s about them. And this is our group identity. This is what we do. And if you

Can create a healthier lifestyle, it puts more pressure on me to do it. So understanding, and I like to say everyone has a pie with those four ingredients, but everyone’s pie is different. So when I’m working with a client, and you know, like I will have them categorize what’s your number one, two, three, and four. And that is the basis of your awareness. And

The human brain doesn’t fully develop until about age 25 to 27. And the last part to develop is our prefrontal cortex, which is our executive skills, delayed gratification, awareness, right? Those things. And so before, as we’re young, I like to say we’re just sponges where we soak it all in. So one comment, a consistent message, one experience can just become absorbed. It doesn’t get questioned.

And then it’s just part of how we see the world. And we’re not aware. So we’re not doing anything about it. And I’ve had clients where it was one single event that as an adult, they’re like, it was just a baby pull. Like, why am I so caught up in this? You know, how is that connected to I can’t have the relationship that I’m trying to build? Okay, well, we have to look at these patterns. And

there’s something that people just these four things are just a shock to them. And that goes with our, you know, like the four core reasons go with the

John Marshall (20:10)
Mm-hmm.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (20:11)
awareness and the behaviors and the creating change.

John Marshall (20:17)
even even more so these four core reasons not being I am broken, but there are these four core reasons why these things happen. Not just for me, but for everyone.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (20:32)
Well, I like to say right, the more aware you are, you understand why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling and why you’re doing what you’re doing. But the second part is you can look at others and have experiences with others and you understand why they’re feeling the way they’re feeling and why they’re doing what they’re doing. So for example, like explosive anger and those kinds of things. You know, anger is a natural human experience. Anger is not bad.

It is what it is. It’s what you do with it. So when someone refers maybe someone from the team for their their emotional outburst, what I know is it’s closely tied to I’m not enough. And so because they have that core belief, they see things through the lens of disrespect. It’s confirming that I’m not enough. So being able to take constructive criticism.

you know, being able to talk things through. And they don’t understand, you know, they don’t know what they don’t know. So what’s happening isn’t what’s making them angry and explosive. It’s what is happening is triggering something within them that they don’t know they don’t know.

John Marshall (21:49)
So it’s through awareness you can develop what I’m hearing is compassion for yourself and others. That you can see the

Coach Monique DeMonaco (21:59)
Absolutely. And we talk a lot about

John Marshall (22:02)
yeah, you can see the foundation under that anger outburst and have compassion for whatever might be beneath that.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (22:10)
Right. And when someone s uses the term like I’m broken, we talk a lot about the distinction between guilt and shame. Guilt is about what you’ve done. And it’s a way, a natural tool for us to be able to shape our behavior organically because it’s how we feel. So you want to be authentic and live according to your core values, whether anyone’s looking or not. But you can change a behavior.

Shame, however, is who you are, and the belief that I can’t change who I am, and so I must be bad. I’m not enough. So the distinction between guilt, for example, and shame is huge and goes back again to the four core values, the four core beliefs.

John Marshall (23:03)
So we talked a lot about awareness, behavior, and the route, but I’m curious maybe if you could follow the one thread that you’ve already provided about where you were at with your business, right? And realizing that that one of the one of the core for for you there was what is available to others is not available to me.

you had that awareness in your within your business and then things started to change for your business. When you say things started to change for your business, like what was the actual like behavior changes that you what were the actual behavior changes that you started to recognize? Was it being more bold with your offers? Was it the way that you talked about pricing differently? Like

What actually changed after you became aware of that root belief to lead you to where your business is today?

Coach Monique DeMonaco (24:06)
Well, part of it, and it’s not a direct behavior, so I’ll answer this question in two parts. there’s a small part in our brain called the reticular activation system. And what it does is it works like the fastest computer on earth, right? And it’s calibrated to each of us. So that’s why like negative people can always find something to be negative about. Someone who tends to be more positive, and I don’t mean pock toxic positivity, right? And more optimistic.

So you can have the same two people have the same experience, but they have different takeaways and how they feel about it and what they believe about it. So this is why, for example, if you learn a new word, and I’ll use I I learned a word in February called pomposity. And I was like, that’s not a word. And I Googled it, and it is a word. I’d never even heard of it. Well, then I heard that word three times, right?

Because that word had a meaning attached to it. And the more something has emotional meaning attached to it, the more you filter for it. And so our algorithm, if you will, filters for what is a match and disqualifies a lot of things that aren’t a match. Think of it like as confirmation bias.

John Marshall (25:27)
Mm-hmm.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (25:27)
So if you believe you’re not enough, you’re going to filter for not being enough.

So maybe opportunities, your body language, your expectations are going to just be not optimal. So when you can change your reticular activation system through awareness, then that begins to shift your life because you’re just showing up differently and not in ways necessarily that you’re consciously choosing. And so that is very powerful. Think about if you’re

Shopping for a new car, right? Now suddenly you see that car everywhere. That’s because

John Marshall (26:07)
Mm-hmm.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (26:08)
now there’s meaning attached to it. If it’s something is really emotionally charged, like the strong, strong belief that I’m not enough, that I’m broken. You’re just always seeing that because we’re not taking everything in. If we were taking everything in, we’d be so overwhelmed, would be in the fetal position in a corner, right?

But understanding, and that’s why my work is based in brain science. Everyone’s got a brain. Brains learn everything, our lives, our relationships, and the world. But most people do not have the information about how their brain works, right? What’s going on? If you don’t know about the reticular activation system, right? If you don’t know how the brain develops and how at a young age you’re a little sponge. That’s why, like around age 11,

Suddenly, kids who believed in Santa Claus are now like, well, that doesn’t make sense. We don’t have a chimney. Right. So they start to process that. So the reticular activation system, right, is really a big part of it. For me, that was, you know, a huge shift. I could almost feel the shift going on, like the world opened up. The other thing is because then I recognized what it was, I was more willing to put myself out there.

I was more willing. One of the things I did was I became very particular about who I worked with. We have a call before if someone has an interest in coaching. we have questions they have to fill out before they even get, you know, a convers get to schedule a meeting with me. I want to figure out is this person doing it for the right reasons or are they doing it because their boss is saying you’re gonna be fired if you don’t, or your spouse is gonna divorce you, or your kids are never gonna speak to you again.

you know, whatever it is. And if I get the vibe, they just want to check it off the list. I’ll simply refer them or say, I don’t think we’re a good fit. And that’s something that I would not have done before. So that became really embracing the value and deciding who I was going to work with or not.

And everyone deserves

John Marshall (28:19)
Thank you.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (28:20)
right help, but I’m not your person if you just want to check it off the list.

John Marshall (28:25)
Agreed, agreed. And it just doesn’t support the process of behavior change, right? You gotta be gotta have the intrinsic motivation. So

Coach Monique DeMonaco (28:35)
Yes.

John Marshall (28:38)
two parts. One, you change the lens by which you are viewing the world.

Right, more opportunities became available to you. You were it like you said, it was almost like this veil had been lifted and you could see the world differently. But then that was also changing your filter, like how you were showing up, the people you were letting enter your life and business, the opportunities that were the right fit for you, because you were confident that

you had the ability that it’s available to you to be more, right? To be more profitable, to grow your business beyond what you’ve seen or what you’ve experienced. Really powerful. Well thank you for for sharing all of this. I think we’ve really unpacked the the awareness, the foundation of it

And I love all of the simple but very clear and practical tools that you’ve introduced here. So that’s something I’ve I even in our prep call, I really valued about the different pieces that you were introducing me to and how I could just pick up radically complex concepts in very accessible

ways. So with that

I’d love to hear a little bit more about how you’re doing that, especially for young professionals entering the workforce and the work that you’re developing with EQ Wize And as we get into that, I’m curious how, you know, your own experience as a mother and watching other young adults enter the workforce helped shape what you’ve built with EQ Wize

Coach Monique DeMonaco (30:37)
Well, the idea of EQ Wize actually happened the weekend of I have twenty four year old twins. And last year, the first twin graduated and it was his graduation party weekend, and there were eleven young guys standing in the kitchen as I’m making spicy pasta, right? And two of them had jobs, only two of them. One had had a great offer and was told that they would have the job of the start date, and then the offer got rescinded.

And all these guys went to really good schools. You know, there were computer science majors, accounting majors, and I’m I’m just like a state of disbelief, right? When they all started school just four years before that, like there it was unheard of that a computer science major would not walk into a job, maybe have a job secured by the time they graduated. And so I had this huge insight.

Like a lightning bolt, which is typically what happens for me is that if we can’t help these young people, what are we doing in business? So, you know, you were looking in the new you were hearing on the news, Gen Z had the highest unemployment rate, double the national average since it had been like in the 1980s or early, I’m sorry, early 90s. And you’re hearing from hiring managers, right, that Gen Z

As talented as they are and as motivated as they are for social reasons, right, wasn’t really ready for the workforce and AI. And so we started really digging into that, like what’s going on? And what we recognized was that as far as the technical skills, even the technical certifications, Google, Microsoft, all these things, the market was now crowded. We now had, and again, I’m all for

college education, right? Any kind of education. But what had happened is we over the years we flooded the market with everyone has to go to college, right? You know, everybody, MBA, an MBA, which I have is a dime a dozen, right? All these things. Unless you’ve gotten it from like Harvard, right? All these

John Marshall (32:49)
Mm-hmm.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (32:50)
things. And so the field is very crowded. And based on what we were hearing and what we were seeing is that somebody needed to do something. And so we came

You know, we had over 20 years of tools. How can we help these? You know, when you’re working with a private coach such as myself, the investment is significant. And there’s only so many clients you can take, right? And so how can we provide easy to learn, easy to use, learner friendly, and share our tools and techniques in a way that they could accept them, right? Be motivated by them.

Oftentimes their parents, I’ll be honest with you, it’s mothers who find us a lot the majority of the time, right, trying to help and support their kids. And so we decided to start EQ Wize and we used young people. for example, Livia’s 25 years old, my twins were 23 when we were developing this. So it’s content for Gen Z developed by Gen Z.

So I had the expertise, but they’re the ones who were able to guide how we build the programs, you know, how it was going to be best received. And we basically on the website, EQ wize with a Z dot com, you look at we address the problems that HR managers are saying, we address AI, we address all these things in a clear, simple way, and we’re the solution. And what we did was we got these courses internationally accredited.

Which was a long, laborious process, right? But they’re conf continuing professional education. So when it’s international. So what we like to say is we are to soft skills, what Microsoft and Google are to hard skills. These certifications are meant to be listed on your resume. So when you look at AI filters, right? When if you’re going to be or a hiring manager’s looking at your resume, if they’re looking

for

EQ training, business etiquette training, critical thinking training. Well, it jumps off your resume. you’re internationally accredited in emotional intelligence. Let’s take a deeper look. And so with these courses, you know, the average course takes about 90 minutes or less. It’s $89 investment, so less than a dollar a minute. there’s assessments throughout, and then what you would consider the final.

People who might struggle with their final grade can take it as much as they want, as they need to pass. But the information is set up to be very user-friendly yet powerful. So most people, you know, the first time. And then immediately you list it on your resume. So, you know, most people don’t want to become business etiquette experts. They don’t want to become emotional intelligence experts, but they need the tools to be able to succeed.

And I know I was doing a speaking engagement and a keynote, and I said, Well, really, who’s the audience? Right, is gonna be younger because they came to us through EQ Wize And, you know, we’re talking about emotional intelligence and these things. And they’re like, everybody needs it. Middle managers, our C suite, please do not customize it just to Gen Z. So we have found markets with nonprofits

being able to get grants to help provide this information to young people.

Companies are coming to us and wanting to buy these programs in bulk, right? So it’s not just the individual Gen Zier whose mother may have found the program, right? And just wants to build their resume and learn basic, you know, working knowledge of, but other organizations and companies are seeing the value of this. And HR managers are saying, yes, we want this.

John Marshall (37:38)
Wow. Yeah, there’s you said something in our prep call that that I loved. If if you’re in the interview, you’re already qualified, and the interview is often about finding reasons not to hire you. Can you

Coach Monique DeMonaco (37:54)
Absolutely.

John Marshall (37:55)
unpack that for listeners now?

Coach Monique DeMonaco (37:58)
Yeah, I mean time is valuable. If they’re not going to interview you if your resume isn’t looking or your experience right. But once you get there, like how being aware of how you’re showing up. And oftentimes there isn’t good awareness. I know my son Henry, who just recently graduated, was in a five year program at Drexel. Their claim to fame is three six month co-ops where you work full time.

And he was working at Sinoco and his co-op was wrapping up and he was getting rave reviews and he’s sitting at his desk and his boss comes to him and said, There’s this guy wearing a hoodie, right? And tennis shoes or whatever you call athletic shoes. And he had his sunglasses on his head. And his boss said to him, Who do you think that guy is? And Henry’s like, I don’t know. He thought maybe he was somebody’s son. And he goes, That’s the guy who’s interviewing for your position. You showed up in a suit and tie, even though that’s not our culture.

Right. But this guy’s showing up for an interview. And you get feedback from HR managers that, you know, there’s a significant percentage of people who bring their parents to interviews. who use their phone.

John Marshall (39:07)
my god.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (39:08)
I’ve had HR managers say they’re interviewing someone and across the desk, this kid’s looking down because they’re reading off their phone. They’re texting. You know, they’re trying to find out what’s the best answer. They’re referring to notes.

you know,

John Marshall (39:26)
No.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (39:26)
your phone should never come to an interview. And people, you know, things such as, you know, tell me why this job, right, this role is important to you. I mean, one kid said, Well, my dad works here and says it’s a good place to work and he can help me get a job. Some of the things that people say, you know, not having a firm handshake, not understanding what’s appropriate.

Being able to have, you know, the good business etiquette, being able to answer questions on the fly that require critical thinking. But having the emotional intelligence to know how you’re showing up, to be able to read the room, to be able to do some research if you’re going into an interview about the organization and looking on their socials and how are people dressed. And don’t ask questions that you could have gotten the answer to on the website

or on the socials.

And while a lot of this seems like really, but for Gen

John Marshall (40:24)
Un unreal.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (40:25)
Z, right? And there are reasons for this that are not their fault. You know, a lot of the things that we’re facing with Gen Z, I would say almost all of them, it’s not Gen Z’s fault. It’s society. It’s their families, and not in a critical way. It’s just how the world has changed. I’m very fortunate. My oldest is 42.

My youngest twins are now 24 and I have a 31-year-old in there. I have seen in two generations how parenting has changed. I remember when I my first was born and his early years, right? We got a registered letter from the hospital that no baby would be discharged without a car seat. People were up in arms. Now your car seat iteration is every three years, right? And I use that as an example.

But I remember on shows like the Phil Donahue show, your listeners probably aren’t gonna know that show, right? The Oprah show, children’s fragile sense of self. Everybody needs to feel like a winner. We don’t want our kids to fail. And actually, you know, that’s gonna help them be confident. And actually, it is totally backfired. Confidence is an inside job, nobody can give it to you. It comes from failure and knowing that you’ll be all right. Resilience.

Someone with a low marker for resilience when they fail, they typically generalize themselves as a failure. This undermines your sense of self and undermines your confidence. Where someone who has a high marker for resilience, what happens is they see the failure as it is, an isolated experience where I happen to fail. So you can learn from it, pick yourself up and lessons learned. Your sense of self stays intact.

And you do not become risk adversive. And in today’s workforce and in life in general, you have to be willing to take risks. You have to be able to communicate in a way to be understood and to listen with the intention to understand. Where most people are thinking about what they’re going to say next or defending their opinion or whatever is happening. So the ability to effectively communicate.

The ability to be resilient, the ability to lead. oftentimes people are stunned by this. We are always selling. People say, Well, I’m not in sales. Everyone is always selling. What you’re projecting, being able to read the feedback of right, are people accepting what you’re saying? Is it a turnoff? Right. And social media, and obviously for young people, the pandemic, they’ve lost a lot of.

That interpersonal relationship skills. Delayed gratification has now become an issue because you can call, you know, nobody calls them, right? You can jump on your DoorDash app and get a coffee or your groceries or whatever it is that you want. So the ability to delay gratification is an important resilient, is an important marker in emotional intelligence that can lead and support you for success or undermine your success.

So as you look at these things, right, and people aren’t aware about delayed gratification. So in parenting, right, not wanting our kids to fail. I also remember it was around this time where Adam Walsh disappeared, right? And he was, you know, he was killed by a child predator. So you started hearing that it’s not safe to let your kid be outside. It’s not safe to not have your kid supervised all the time.

And so that’s around the time Nintendo was coming out and video games. And you would hear parents say, well, I’d rather they be in here on a video game where I know they’re safe rather than out there where there’s a predator that’s going to get them. But what you did with video games is you didn’t protect your child. You invited the world into your child. So people have hundreds of friends, but they might have a hard time coming up with 10 real life friends to show up for a birthday party.

And so this is all skewed. And we see high levels of depression and anxiety and lack of confidence for Gen Z because of how parenting was promoted. Right. AI is now making it harder to get jobs because there simply aren’t as many entry level jobs. And a lot of entry level jobs now say they went two to three years of experience. Well, that’s an oxymoron. Can’t be an entry level job.

with three years experience, right? But what’s happening out there in some ways, right, it’s not Gen Z’s fault, but they are paying the consequence.

John Marshall (45:26)
So so much in what you just shared, and it’s it’s almost like this I forget it was on some kind of social media or something, and it was it was a teacher talking about the impact of the No Child Left Behind Act and all of this

you know, participation grades and nothing lower than a fifty percent and all of this and like how it’s created, exactly the same things that that you were mentioning, right? This lack of resilience, lack of accountability, right? And like the the ability to take those consequences and learn and grow from something like that. So when it comes to

The way that parenting is, you know, potentially getting in the way of right, the development of confidence, motivation, resilience, all of the things that are going to support Gen Z or really anyone having a sense of a growth mindset going into what could be a challenging

conversation.

into a question that they might not know the answer to right away. So what can parents the parents that are listening now start doing differently to get their kids ready for launch, to get their kids ready for tough conversations. is it is it too late?

Coach Monique DeMonaco (47:13)
No, it’s never too late. We have a program failure to launch. and that program is like roughly around eighteen. So it used to be twenty-five. That program we’ve had to expand it to thirty now because we still have kids living at home who, right, are anxious and depressed and can’t work, right, or can’t manage to finish their four year degree. And that’s a family systems program. And I will only allow a young person

into that program if the family, the parents are willing to take part. And that doesn’t mean I’m seeing the parents as regularly as I am the client, but it means the parents are involved. And oftentimes what it requires is parents to address their own issues. Are their kids, are they living vicariously through their kids’ lives? Right? Are they enabling because they’re

afraid that their kid’s gonna fail and what’s it gonna say about them as a parent? Right. Are they attaching the kid’s success to their success? Are they afraid that their kid won’t be able to pick themselves up? Right. And so often there’s a part, particularly when you see entitlement and overindulgence. And when you get to middle socioeconomic and the more you go up to scale, right, of socioeconomic, you see this more and more.

because you have the resources to fix problems. You have the resources for consequences to not happen. Right. If you’re paying for your kid to go to private school, right, they’re going to maybe allow things to slide that they wouldn’t in public school. You know, I had a parent say to me one time we were talking about the the kid like just not doing their homework, not showing up for class.

And I said, Well, you know, he shows up for other things. Does he have a car? Can’t show up for class. He says, Yes. What kind of car? A Range Rover. I said, So you have a kid who can’t get himself across campus to a class, a one o’clock in the afternoon class, but has the freedom to go anywhere anytime with the with a credit card and a Range Rover. And she said to me, Well, it’s used. I get a new one every two years, and he’s just driving my old one. Right. So

I share this because this is an extreme

John Marshall (49:39)
Yeah.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (49:40)
example to make a point, right?

John Marshall (49:42)
Mm-hmm.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (49:43)
had a kid who was on an Ivy League sports team, wasn’t doing well, wasn’t number one on the team. So guess what? Dad used the private family plane to take everybody to Florida for, you know, spring break. The whole team came. And guess what? The kid became number one first man on the team. And so how were the parents identifying?

What is their like bragging rights? Or what insecurity do they have? And I can personally talk about this is I was so unhappy as a child and felt so lost and unsupported that I was too invested in my older two being happy. I had a very low tolerance for them to not have what they wanted and to be unhappy because it made me fearful.

It made me question, well, I wanted to give my kids a better experience and they’re unhappy. So I better do something about it. Right? That you can be president someday. Doesn’t matter if you’re good at math, you can be an engineer, right? All these things. Which, you know, anybody can work their tail off and become an engineer, I guess, if you’re that motivated. With my twins, you know, they’re a lot younger. Like, honey, you’re not gonna want to manage your in finance. You’re not good with numbers, right? Just having those real conversations.

You know, with kind of humor and guiding them in a different way. And because

John Marshall (51:07)
Mm-hmm.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (51:08)
I recognize that was my own issue. And so with failure to launch, it’s what is everyone bringing to the table? You know, are you enabling rather than helping? You’re helping someone when they can’t do it themselves, right? Or they need some kind of support. You’re enabling when you’re doing something for someone that they can and should be doing themselves.

So we see a lot of enabling because I don’t want my kid to fail. Or, you know, I want my kid to have friends. Or, you know, it’s important to the family that they get a four year degree and the kid doesn’t want that, not interested in. It’s not in their wheelhouse.

And so understanding you don’t get an 18-year-old. Now some, you know, there are some people who are born and have this propensity for depression, for example, the brain chemicals, which I differentiate between situational depression, right? Chemical depression or you know, chemistry depression. So you do have some of that. But you can’t just send your 23 year old to me and say, hey, fix them.

Right, if you’re not willing to look at what part are you playing, that doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent. Right. It just means how are your issues contributing to this?

John Marshall (52:32)
So it’s not again, yeah, not the bad parent, but the let’s become more self aware parent and understand, you know, o our responsibility for, you know, why why we’re sending our kid to you. Right.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (52:49)
Right. And there are times when

I have to explain to a young person, you know, you’re very coachable and you’re ready to launch, but you need to understand that your parents are not coachable and their behaviors are not going to change. So you’re going to have to, it’ll make your work a little more challenging, right? You’re going to have to be aware to not fall back in those family patterns because your parents aren’t going to be able to help you with this.

John Marshall (53:20)
Wow.

Huge, huge. And I feel like that’s, you know, almost something I had to come to on my own.

Like to find you know, to find my own mentors to to move outside of you know, outside of the family for for certain things. Right. I remember I remember showing up showing up to work. I was I was wearing pleated pants as like I don’t know, it was twenty I don’t know, twenty three or something like that. Just, you kind of dressing like an old man. Which I I didn’t know. Like those were just

dress pants. I just got off the got off the rack. Like, hey, these are nice pants. You know, until I got some some feedback from Pierce, like, hey, buy flat front next time. You know, like you’re you’re

Coach Monique DeMonaco (54:15)
I love that example.

John Marshall (54:16)
you’re twenty-three. And I’m like, Huh, like how many people saw my pleated pants and were like, What what is this what is he what is he wearing? But didn’t

Coach Monique DeMonaco (54:25)
do

John Marshall (54:25)
say something.

So I do I really appreciate the girl that that gave me that that feedback. Like, here’s here’s an issue of GQ. Figure out

Coach Monique DeMonaco (54:34)
Yeah.

John Marshall (54:34)
figure out what you what you need to wear. And I’m like, well, I didn’t get guidance from you know parents on certain things like that. And that’s just right a a simple funny thing. But when it came to performing in a high level corporate job interview, like there are no guidance. I couldn’t ask AI back then.

You know, it was trial and error. And now it’s it’s like the kids aren’t getting the opportunity for trial and error. Like not getting the you know, the internship or the entry level job where, you know, expectations can be low enough for you to still learn how to be a professional. So I’m very grateful for the the the era, the millennial that I

grew up as because we kind of have the the best of both worlds. But now with the advent of AI, I mean, in a lot of the entry level jobs, you know, becoming AI agents, if you will, I feel like that that feedback is so necessary. And for kids today,

They have your resources to, you know, to bring them up to speed with with things like this. But there’s also the the conversations that parents are avoiding, right? Some of these hard conversations or feedback that they need to have, but they’re not. And also conversations they need to have that they’re just not aware of as well, depending on where you come from and socioeconomic status and all of that.

But then there was one key part that I heard from you was this notion

of like enabling or or rescuing, right? But you’re you think you’re rescuing your kids, but you’re rescuing them from the very experiences that help build maturity, character, and resilience. So this might be I don’t know, it might be a hard question to answer, but how can parents still support

their young adults without rescuing them from the experiences that help them become more mature.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (56:55)
Well, helping their child to become aware that these things are necessary. Right. And that it’s a loving perspective. And having the conversation, right, about

You know, emotional intelligence is a bigger indicator of success and happiness than IQ. And we talk about IQ, we talk about, you know, the technical skills, and we talk about math, we talk about these things. But we don’t talk about emotional intelligence. And so helping your child to get the resources, whether it’s EQ Wize, right? Or if it’s maybe something that the school is offering, like we’re involved in continuing education at our local high school.

where we offer summer workshops and not making it wrong, right? You’re not a geek for doing this, right? That and explaining the reasons why it’s needed, right? Like as society, AI, the pandemic, rather than like something’s wrong with you, you’re not very aware. Right. So having the conversation about what it is. And having standards are a vote of confidence. A lot of times people are like, nervous about standards.

If I have a standard, that means I believe that you can do it. I can tell you you’re the best thing since sliced bread. But if I don’t have standards where I do it for you, what my behaviors are saying is you can’t do it without me. So setting a standard, if someone is, you have a young person who’s bounced back home after school, after graduation, because they legitimately are having a hard time finding a job, explaining to them that finding a job is your job.

And I expect you to work at like a full-time job. Right. And that, you know, getting up in the morning and start cracking that whip on LinkedIn, right? And looking for jobs in the morning, right? And you do it during business hours so you can respond to messages. You’re posting and asking questions during the right time, not at 1 a.m., right. When you get around to it. And having responsibilities at home. You’re a family member.

If both your parents are working, or you have a single parent, right, who’s out of the house, maybe they should be coming home to dinner every night. Right. Maybe you shouldn’t just be doing your laundry, but the family’s laundry. You know, what what are the ways now you’re an adult that you need to be contributing to family to feel that sense of responsibility and accountability? You know, getting a part-time hustle for Amazon.

to help you, you know, like earn your money or earn gas or whatever it is while you’re looking for a job. And having those kinds of conversations and taking some accountability. And what is a reasonable expectation for an entry level job?

And you know giving them honest feedback and having a relationship where honest feedback can be received.

Oftentimes, I’ll be honest with you, in my practice, I’m saying some of the same things their parents are saying. So I use this example a lot, whether you liked him or not. I remember President Obama saying, You can’t be a prophet in your own land. Right? He’s going to family dinner at the White House and nobody thinks he knows what he’s talking about, right? His kids are like, what do you know? Right. So who am I? You know, Monique.

Mom to show up, right? When I get home, nobody cares, right? They don’t see my expertise. I actually Henry one day he looked at me, I was like trying to give him some guidance and he looked at and he said, I didn’t pay my invoice, so you don’t have to help me.

And so understanding, you know, being able to talk to your child in a way that they can hear you not the way that you think they should, or you would be talking to a peer. And, you know, so those standards and helping that awareness and where can we go for resources? I mean, that was one of the things like when we set our price point for EQ Wize, we did it on research.

to make sure that we were below that we were very cost effective and creating a sense of commitment because it’s an investment, but making it accessible.

And you know, encouraging kids to go out and find these resources

themselves.

John Marshall (1:01:46)
So for parents, young professionals and employers that might be listening, what is one small step that each group can take after the episode to

Get our workforce ready for the future.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (1:02:06)
So, what parents and families can do is each person can identify like what’s a problem behavior or what’s an area where there’s a struggle. Asking parents asking themselves and answering their young people. And what do you think it’s rooted in? So reflect back on the four core reasons. So everyone begins to like understand, yeah, this is a problem, or I understand where this problem is coming from.

And if you have a family culture where people can share, like having a conversation about that, or if everybody wants to keep their answer privately, but sitting down with that tool, sharing that tool with the family. And so that’s something that individuals and families can do. And I think HR managers and the feedback that we’re getting is investing in your people. Your people are your biggest resource, right? Your biggest asset.

And so, how can you invest in them? And how can you send a message that we’re investing in you because we see what you bring to the table and we value you? So we’re making an investment in what we believe in, not as a consequence or a punishment. And so today, Gen Z is very, very interested in opportunities for growth. They want that. They will pass up a job.

That might have a little higher compensation package and go over here because they can clearly see room for growth and opportunity. So use that in their right. If you’re going to invest in me, if you’re going to give me some guidance, they want that, and that makes you more desirable. So getting into the mindset for HR managers of what’s important to Gen Z.

And trying to meet some of those needs as well, rather than just looking at it one-sided. And that’s not a Pollyanish approach, right? It’s about like we want the talent, we want to fill the pipeline with people that we can develop. So we need to message that about what opportunities do we offer? What is the pathway to success here? Clearly defined roles.

John Marshall (1:04:32)
So it’s speaking to the things that your incoming employees, like your top talent, is going to value as opposed to, you know, just the compensation or just some other markers that you’re getting from market data, but it’s like how are you articulating how we invest in your potential?

Coach Monique DeMonaco (1:04:56)
Right. Compensation alone

John Marshall (1:04:58)
Well said.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (1:04:59)
is not enough anymore. I mean, strictly financial compensation is not enough. It’s like how can I grow? How can I evolve?

John Marshall (1:05:11)
That’s beautiful. So where can listeners learn more about you, EQ Wize and the courses or coaching work that you offer?

Coach Monique DeMonaco (1:05:24)
So if you go to coachmonique.com, that’s our individual group coaching. Those are the personal relationships. We have a tab for failure to launch, life coaching, executive coaching. I think we’ve done a good job providing information. You know, you can set up discovery calls with questions or finding out if that’s a good fit. at eqwize.com, and that’s wize with a Z, you can

Here the reasons, right? Here are the problems, here are the solutions. It’s very cut and dry. And here’s a course or certification. And thinking about how this is going to make your resume pop, right? A Google, you know, certification is nice, but maybe they’re becoming less valuable in the workplace because they’re so. So which of these certifications might really make your resume pop? So going to EQ Wize first.

For those kinds of things, and we have offers. So in our coaching program at coachmonique.com, typically our programs are eight sessions. So for your listeners, we are giving them nine sessions. So they get an extra session as a compliment from being here. For EQ Wize, it’s 15% off a course. For both of them, the code for the discounts are all caps T.

P P

John Marshall (1:06:53)
Beautiful. Thank you for that. And listeners, we’ll include all of those details in the show notes as well. So you’ll be able to connect with Coach Monique and EQ Wize and share this with a family you know that could benefit from something like this if it’s not your own as well. So, you know

Monique, this is like when I met you when we had our prep call and everything, I just so latched on to the the work that you’re doing. And it’s it’s so needed for the next generation and generations to come. And I think it’s something that our industry in coaching and training has been overlooking. So, you know, I just

One, just wanna thank you for the work that you’re doing and all of the insights that you shared with listeners today. Again, I just appreciate the practical applicability of all of your frameworks and the detail that you share and make it accessible for so many people. So I think people are really gonna benefit from this conversation and the work that you do. I appreciate you being here.

Coach Monique DeMonaco (1:08:09)
Well, thank you so much. I had a great time being here. I just love this format of conversation. So it’s been a real pleasure. And I also want to say if you follow us on our socials, we provide a lot of content, like for coaching. We have coaching on the couch or coaching from the couch. So we give like 30-second blurbs of tools, techniques, and insights. So we’re just really trying to get the information out there for people, whether they become clients or not.

John Marshall (1:08:38)
Beautiful. Well, thank you so much for sharing that and sharing your presence here at The Present Professional. And listeners, thank you for granting us with your presence as well and tuning in again and again. Again, I always appreciate your

being here, your contribution every time that you listen, and would be very, very grateful for a contribution of your rating and review wherever you are listening to this podcast today. It goes a long way for the promotion of the show and for getting these insights out to more people that can benefit from conversations like this. So thank you for your contribution in advance and we’ll see you next time.