Practicing Gratitude: How to Upgrade Your Mindset, Relationships, and Health This Holiday Season​

John: You’re listening to The Present Professional, where we explore the intersections of personal and professional development.

John: To change your experience of life and work with every episode.

Tony: So tune in, grab your notebook, and let’s go. Let’s go.

John: Welcome to another episode of The Present Professional. Today, of all days, we want to talk about gratitude. And not just what we’re grateful for on this day, Thanksgiving 2022, but what the research shows that being grateful and actually practicing gratitude in your daily life can impact so many things when it comes to your social, emotional, mental, and even physical health. that we thought it was an opportune time to unpack some of this and give you guys some different practices that you can use to amplify your gratitude practice and ultimately amplify all those aspects of health that I just mentioned. So to kick us off here, I want to reference One of the leading researchers in the field of positive psychology, Dr. Martin Seligman, and a lot of his research was my first introduction to the impact of gratitude on all aspects of health and what thriving can look like in people’s lives. So the way that I was introduced to a lot of this research was through his book, Flourish. A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-Being. And in this book, he details out the model that he built to describe what makes up human thriving, the PERMA model. That’s going to be five things. That’s positive emotion, engagement, relationship or positive relationships, meaning and purpose, and then achievement are your five things of the PERMA model. And going back to this exercise where three good things, so powerful gratitude practice, so coming into the research in a clinical setting, in a study by Seligman and colleagues, these participants were asked to write down three good things that happened to them each day for a week, and then to explain why. And the results showed that this daily activity for just a week, had a significant impact on reported levels of well-being and depression. And for participants who continued that exercise beyond the suggested week, found that that activity increased happiness and decreased symptoms of depression for up to six months following that exercise. Now, this lasting impact is so profound that they took it outside of just the clinical setting and bringing people from that place of despair and depression to an area of being content and happy with their life, and then moved it into the positive psychology front of moving people that are at a good place to a place of thriving in all of those different areas of your life. Now, what this looks like for me in my own practice and experience, when I’m consciously practicing gratitude, whether it be with a journal, these three good things, there are journals that can even prompt you through a lot of these things in your day. And I believe it was called like the five minute journal or something like that, that has a lot of these practices baked in. One of my friends was using it before, but we’ll, we’ll look that up and put it in the show notes. And in my own personal experience, like I notice it just me seeing things differently. that I’m able to go about my day and see the things that are happening is not just happening to me, but happening for me, the things that are happening in the world that I’m meeting as they arise, as opposed to just reacting to them from a state of fear or lack or scarcity. And I think the gratitude practice there really Rather than coming from the space of lack, you’re so much more aware of what you already have and what’s going well. And I’d love to get your thoughts on the study, Tony, and what’s worked for you as well.

Tony: Yeah, man. I think it’s a positive addition to society for somebody to study something like this and bring it to a scientific standpoint, because when you think about the history of mankind, and you think about the things that people had to endure in terms of just hunting and gathering and fishing every day, you’re grateful for a fish. You’re grateful for no rain in the forecast so that you can have a good night’s sleep. That’s just society. And now here we are, we have so many opportunities and so many distractions and so many things that are at our disposal that now you have to practice gratitude because the great things that are happening in your life can be swallowed up by all the things that you may feel is lacking. when really it’s nothing lacking, it’s just opportunities. And so, yeah, man, I mean, the Gratitude Journal, I think is an amazing piece of advice that we can give to people. I know that I’ve used it, you’ve used it. I’ve actually, it’s funny that we’re talking about this now, because I actually just reinserted my own kind of gratitude practice. I used to be a real freak about writing down every single thing I did, but time, COVID, a child, these kinds of things kind of take you away from your routine. So you have to rebuild yourself up a little bit in different ways. But one thing I’ve been doing recently is I have a notebook that I got from my university just on just a daily planner. But I don’t really kind of getting away from daily planners, but I use it as a as a daily notebook to write down some of the highlights that that I did and not that I accomplished. Like we’re not talking about awards and certifications or big things like that. No, just like fun things like going to the Astros World Series Parade on Monday. I mean, just like, you know, things like that, that are able to remind me the fun things that happen in my life that I may take for granted because of my extremely busy schedule. Like great things happen to us all the time, but we don’t even, I mean, just like the simple thing of you, for example, riding down Buffalo Bayou on the perfect day with the perfect weather, after a perfect meeting, maybe sipping a perfect glass of lemonade right before you took off. Those kinds of things need to be remembered, especially even on our worst days. Because on our worst days, we’re like, nobody loves me. Life is horrible. My life is a mess and it’s really like yesterday was just amazing. You’re just going through like a little, a little season or even just a little pivot or point in your life. So, you know, I love the study, man. I love gratitude and the way that we practice it. I was at a conference recently and someone asked right before I left, they asked the audience, what’s the most five impactful things that have happened to you in the last 12 months? And then the follow-up question to that was, were the things that you wrote down, were these goals that you had, were these things that you already had planned, or did these things just happen to you during the 12 months? And I was like, man, that’s such a… That’s such a powerful question because when you really replay 12 months, some of the things or goals I’m sure you set out to accomplish, but then you got those organic things that happen that you really didn’t plan for, but it’s in your top five, you know, of the most impactful things and your goals are like, yeah, they’re on the list, but like this happened at number three, you know, and this is the thing that you did not plan for. And that’s that’s what being great, grateful and having gratitude is all about are the things that happen to you that, you know, you did not do. You know, you didn’t control this. And that’s what I love about gratitude, man.

John: And it’s like recognizing those things that just happen. You know, as a result of who you are, who you spend your time with and what you’re doing in the world, the people you interact with, I would almost say, and how many, you know, how many of them are, you know, with other people and how many of them involve other people or another connection in your life? Yep. I would say that number would probably be high as well, like kind of showing the importance of connection and the relationships in our lives.

Tony: And I was just going to say, man, I got to take it to Gallup real quick. So I’m a Gallup strength coach too. And so Gallup has these four themes. The themes are influencing, executing, strategic thinking, and the last one is relationship building. people score higher in different quadrants of the four I just mentioned. And relationship building is so critical and so important that we don’t even give it enough credit. Like we’re always like, man, I’m a great strategic thinker. I’m great at executing. I get things done. But if you’re a good relationship builder, you don’t really need additional skills. You can just be a really good relationship builder, really move crowds, really move rooms, really network with people deeply. And those people that are good at that, those are the people that, like you mentioned, when great things happen, it usually happens in community. And you’d be surprised how many good things can happen to you just by being a people person or being good with people. And like you said, you think about that list of five and the great things that happen or the things to be grateful for, how many of them are happening in community? for you, how many how many times are you just a conduit of energy or a conduit of things happening and other people are recipient? But, you know, you feel amazing because you were in the middle of that transfer. So I just have to throw that in real quick, man, because I was just talking about strengths and I just have to say people out there like be OK with being a medium for great things to happen to other people through you. Wow.

John: Period. That’s, that’s great. And especially on a day like Thanksgiving, right. And, you know, just coming into, coming into your family gathering, into your dinner, right. With that same, with what Tony just said, and like, if everyone, now imagine if everyone at that table as complicated and, you know, as complicated as family engagements can be. If everyone at that table was living in that way, for being a conduit for great things to happen to everyone else around the table. Just imagine that feeling. And I’ll talk about gratitude and everyone at the table feeling like that, contributing to one another. And I think it would be actually an amazing exercise to go through that with your family. What are the five most impactful things that have happened to you this year? Man.

Tony: Yeah. I think that would be awesome. That is super important. I think if you challenge your family or your people at Thanksgiving that you’re with to do that, the conversation is just going to switch. The whole energy is just going to change. It’s going to go from, oh, this mac and cheese is delicious, or sweet potato pie is great, mom, to man, when this happened for me, This really changed everything for me. And that’s what people need to be talking about, especially with the people you love the most, right? How many times are we going to watch the Cowboys lose on Thanksgiving, right? I’m just kidding. They’ve been winning, so I’m just hating. It’s some Houston hate. But I mean, let’s talk deeper. And it’s a simple question. If you pose that question to your family, what’s the five most impactful things that happened to you? Let’s just go around the table. And again, you just being a conduit of that. You just being the one that sparked the question. There may be an opportunity for somebody to say something that’s going to help somebody else at the same table that would not have happened if you didn’t ask the question.

John: And it’s funny that, you know, with the people we love the most and, you know, the people that we’ve been blessed to be, you know, born into and with and, you know, or marry into, It’s funny how surface level the conversation can stay, especially if you haven’t seen them in a while. It’s like, oh, how’s work going? How’s business going? How’s the baby? How’s this? How’s that? How are you? Instead of getting to this point. I think this can take things to a whole different level. Our listeners are about to have a very different Thanksgiving dinner experience this year.

Tony: As required, I mean, you listen in this week, being a present professional is not just in the workplace. You are conscious and present in everything you do.

John: And speaking about the workplace, you know, we usually start with the workplace and work back. But how about going around your meeting room with your team and asking this question? You know, you’ll start to get to know people on a different level and see like what they’re willing to share with the group and how different things that have happened in all of their lives have impacted them. You’ll probably learn something about your team that, I mean, that you never would have known without asking that question. So I think this question, whether it be an auditorium of people at the end of your talk, the meeting room, or the Thanksgiving dinner table, can really start bringing this practice of reflection and gratitude into whatever community that you’re in, and starting to get to know all the different people in your life in a different way. I’m really glad you brought this question in here.

Tony: Especially if you follow it up with asking the people Was this a goal that you set out or did this happen organically? When you ask that and you double down with that organic part, people will start to realize that you didn’t do it. You didn’t do it. You don’t always, you’re not always the one in control of even the most amazing things. We don’t, we don’t do it all on our own. Like I bet you out of 10 things you may have, you may have done like four or five, like maybe where you control the situation. But even in that, there were things that happened that were out of your control that just were in your favor. And then the other four or five goals, or maybe even six, just happened. And that’s where you got to be grateful. Because sometimes you could have… A situation could have went off the rails or a situation could have went differently. It may have just been timing that just worked out in your favor. Sometimes it’s like, this has happened to me at least twice now that I can think of. One of these happened yesterday, but it’s happened twice in my life where I was literally set at the luncheon twice. One like maybe nine years ago and then yesterday, where you’re literally set in a conference or a luncheon and you just so happen to sit by somebody that you really need to connect with. Or you didn’t even know you really needed to connect with them, but you know, they’re a great mentor, a great friend, a great life, you know, partner, whatever it may be. And that just sometimes just happens. I mean, John, you and I, this friendship, relationship, brotherhood, that was literally organic. I can’t get much more organic than, hey, an Eventbrite event, you show up, we connect, you’re on the board, we’re friends for life, you know? And it’s like, We are here being a medium, a conduit through this podcast for others to listen to. So the gratitude just flows. And, you know, the same thing can happen to you. And it’s probably happened to you as a professional or a listener. And it’s just time to recognize it and then spark it in other people.

John: And I’m already excited for the tailwind of energy and positivity that even recording this is going to have on the rest of my day. Right. And it’s like I can already I can already feel it building, even just reflecting on our relationship and, you know, starting to think about some of the other relationships in my life and some of these other practices. And you know, that is another part of, you know, the research that shows up is what is the effect on resilience. Because as you reflect and you notice these things that happen, that even just happen of themselves, like that they’re not goals, right? That, you know, the universe does have your back or God or whoever you want to say, whatever force that you want to say can amplify your experience and create those memorable, impactful experiences. the more you remember them, the more you bring them into your life and presence, those small ways that they happen every day, the stronger your tailwinds become. Because when you’re not looking at those and you’re not looking at all of the benefits and positive experiences of your life, we tend to focus on our headwinds, right? And the barriers that get in our way, the things that we face every day, the challenges ahead of us, And when we’re hyper-focused on that, they can feel massive. They can feel like huge barriers, but when you have the tailwind of looking at all of the beauty and all the positives that happen in your life, like all of the feelings of positive emotion, optimism, courage, hope, like that’s when you can power through any barrier. And it’s not even that the barriers become small, but your tailwind becomes stronger. So you face the challenges head on with more momentum and you’re able to kind of see this bigger picture of things. So I like to see even when I’m working with clients on something like this, when we’re building positive emotion and positivity, it’s like the, the, the problems or challenges, like they don’t get any smaller. Mm. Right? Life still is going to throw things at us, test us. And but at the same time, can our vision get broader? And that’s another thing that, you know, while you have that tailwind for your momentum, I think it also lets you see the horizon behind the problems. Like, so it’s then the problems and the challenges actually just become smaller in your field of vision, because you’re looking out with a much broader perspective. And that I found that a problem or an issue that is consuming a client at the moment, if they’re able to see the broader perspective and a farther vision, it just improves their mood immediately. It improves their current state, stepping out of anxiety and feeling like that there’s hope, feeling like it’s time to, that I can take that next step, that I can take a risk because, you know, I have the tailwind, the support system, the connections to fall back on. Right. That’s what we have to cultivate. And, you know, that’s what I welcome. listeners to cultivate. Right now, that’s what I welcome listeners to cultivate. At the dinner table at the meeting table. When they wake up and. Look at their gratitude journal and you’re writing those three good things. You’re cultivating your tailwind and broadening your vision, man.

Tony: It’s no, it doesn’t get more more real than. When you have a sick kid. So yesterday Logan was feeling terrible. And he can’t communicate yet. You know, he can’t tell me what’s going on. He can’t say my head hurts, my throat hurts, my this is just you just making assumptions. And you’re hoping you’re doing it right, and you’re doing all the things your parents taught you, all the things you picked up subconsciously over time, and just trying to do your best to make them feel better. Because a sick kid, sick toddler, it’s just the worst. Because they have all this energy, all this life, and then they’re just shrunken to like balled up in like a little curl. And it’s just like, man, what can I do? How can I solve this? And you realize it’s not in your hands. And you know, today, he woke up in great spirits, great attitude, great energy, back to his normal self. And it’s like, you think about all the amazing things going on in the world and all the opportunities and all the things you could do and all this stuff. But none of it means anything if you can’t enjoy the people you love. And that’s what gratitude is all about. It’s not about accolades, it’s about relationships. It’s about the simple things. It’s about health. You know, it’s about great weather that we’re having right now in Houston. Although it’s very hot still in November, you know, it’s like. It could be worse, it could be freezing cold and then you can’t go outside. But it’s just keeping it simple and I love all the tactics that you brought in. I mean, I think it’s very real as far as the cognitive dissonance that can occur or even the negative state of feeling hopeless. Gratitude and faith kind of go hand in hand. And when you are not, I don’t know which comes before the other. I’d say if you don’t have faith, faith in yourself, faith in other people, faith that life has more to offer for you, then it’s easy to not have gratitude. because why would I be grateful when nothing good is happening for me and nothing good is going to happen for me? But if you can believe in yourself, and that’s why the growth mindset and positive psychology and these types of performance measurements or even just like outlooks of life, I think that’s why they’re so important because with the growth mindset, you can go through a very challenging scenario, situation, and still look at it positively, and still pick out the pieces that are going to work for you on the next try, or the next try, or the next try. With a growth mindset, you can say, I will try 10 times before I give up, or more. With a fixed mindset, One failure can completely wipe you out. You know, I was listening to this entrepreneur, his name’s John Henry, John Henry Style. And he said that, like, he had a big failure with his new startup. And he was, I guess, speaking to the board or speaking to the venture capitalists that funded it. When he heard his counterpart give a testimony about his failure, which was way worse than his, he’s like, man, why do I have this shame? Why am I talking about this with negative energy? Why am I talking about this like I’m a failure? No, this project didn’t work out. And his friend was like, man it was it was insane you know he’s describing it with like a positive upbeat kind of like it was a huge failure but man that was crazy but he had this this weight on him of wanting to be successful for his community or for the people that were watching him or for the employees that was connected to the project. And so, you know, I just took that and said, you know, that’s that growth mindset happened again. And when it comes to gratitude, it’s like, be grateful that you even had an opportunity to do something amazing. because most people won’t even step out or try to. Yeah, man. I wanted to talk about the opposite of gratitude because you hear about gratitude all the time, but then what is the opposite of gratitude? Do we ever define it? Do we ever really just say what it is and So I did a little bit of research from, it was actually a parenting blog that talked about the opposite of gratitude. And I think kids have the natural ability to be opposite of gratitude pretty naturally, but adults have it too, certainly. And the opposite of gratitude, there’s three opposites. Number one is the never enough attitude. This is when you are all about the love affair with stuff, the habit of being consumed with materials, materialistic mindsets. It’s the trap of thinking that our happiness is connected to what we have and not who we are. So that’s the never-enough attitude. Here’s another one, the I-deserve-it attitude. So over time, there’s a tendency to start to believe that you deserve everything you have. And it’s like, think about it. Why would you be grateful for something you were already entitled to receive? You were already supposed to receive this. So why would I be grateful for it? I see it all the time with jobs. People are like, well, I deserve this job. I deserve this salary. I deserve this. And it’s like, you can’t be grateful for something that you already have a fixed mentality about. And the third and last opposite of gratitude, which I’m sure there are many, but the third we’ll talk about today is the it’s all about me attitude. And it’s easy to grow up and embrace the notion that the entire planet somehow revolves around you and your issues. But when you really think about it, you should really be constantly sacrificing to put other people’s needs before you in ways that fits and benefits them also. That brings me back to the relationship quadrant of the gallop strengths that I talked about. Being a good relationship builder is really when you’re in a scenario and you’re talking to people one-to-one or in groups, you let them talk. That’s sacrificing. Sacrificing the time. Nobody does that more than coaches. I just love these. I want to push this out and say this because we talk about gratitude, but then it’s like, how do you check? What’s the check and balance between gratitude? How do I know if I’m operating with a gratitude mindset or gratitude energy versus the opposite? It’s the never enough attitude, the I deserve it attitude, and the it’s all about me. And if you know somebody that falls in one of those categories, just politely send them this episode and let them know, hey, I heard this great podcast. And when they get to this point, they’ll realize what you did.

John: Uh, right. And that’s why, like, this is so essential, you know, recognizing the traps that we can fall into and you’re not wrong for being in these traps. Like this is, you know, society has been set up around these three, you know, these three pillars. Living in a capitalist society, you are going to experience through conditioning the never enough attitude. It is through comparison that we’ve been defining our worth through what’s in the bank account, what’s in the driveway, what you have. That’s just kind of naturally what we fell into. And what we’re doing here is really going against the grain. So noticing some of the things that have brought negative emotion or that have brought some feelings of discomfort or anxiety or stress to your life, it’s just a signal. It’s just a signal that a need is not being met. that there’s something missing. So if you’re noticing any of these things, like any of these three attitudes that you’ve been even consumed with in your life, it’s just, oh, okay, well, there’s another way. And all of the things that we’ve said at the beginning of this episode and some practices that we’ll rattle off here before we close, are going to be ways that you can step into the other light. Some ways that you can step into more of an attitude of gratitude.

Tony: And it just takes a quick fix of the mindset, not even fix, it just takes a quick different way to look at your personal scenario. And what we’re saying is not to hurt you. Like if you switch from wherever you are to a gratitude attitude, it’s only going to benefit you and the people around you. There is no negative about being grateful.

John: No, no. I mean, it’s, you know, and a lot of these, a lot of these things you can even see from, from the physical aspects of things. Like there’s, there’s been, you know, there’s been research that shows the, you know, the impact on your nervous system, right? Like this is calming the nervous system, literally. It actually has physiological changes when you’re practicing this attitude of gratitude. We’re even talking reduction in blood pressure. Just something you can very much notice with your parasympathetic nervous system being activated. And we don’t want to get into that depth of research right now. But I’m going to put some of that in the show notes as well. If you want to dig into the research a little bit more and, you know, share that at the dinner table after you ask your question for everyone to look back and reflect. Hey, guys, you bet you’re wondering why I’m asking this. Well, because the health of my family and friends here, check out this. Check out these key points from the research that I listened to from the episode of the present professional. Yep. Right. And, you know, that can bring even more care and even more interest from some of the people that, that you love at the, at the table and just some practices that you can do in, you know, looking at that reflective piece of it, you know, looking at what are the three good things, what are three good things I can look at that happened in my day and what caused them, like, where did they, where did they come from? Yep. You know, what was, what was the background, like the why behind the three good things that happened today? And another one that I think is so, so powerful is the gratitude letter. And this is another thing from Seligman’s research as well. But something I did before I was even brought into that, and it’s writing and delivering a personal letter of gratitude to someone who’s never been properly thanked for their kindness. I can remember one year I wrote Christmas cards to almost everyone in my life. that had an impact on where I was at that moment. And it was probably the most beautiful exercise that I’ve ever done in my life. So I’d say those are the two practices that I think are somewhat simple. The gratitude letter can be, there’s a little bit of angst and just handing that letter to someone. But no one is going to receive that letter like, what’s happening? You know, they might say, wait, are you like, are you dying or something? What’s, what’s going on? It’s like, no, no, no, no. Just practicing gratitude. I want you to receive this man. right? And, you know, there are, you know, a couple other things as simple as, you know, writing a thank you note, even thanking someone mentally, just in your mind, like, you know, I’m just super grateful. And I just thank, I thank you so much. Someone that could be, you know, on the other side of the world or someone from your past and thanking someone mentally and or just, you know, counting your blessings. You know, whether that be on a notebook or in prayer or meditation. you know, a lot of these focus and meditation wise, like on gratitude can be, you know, something that’s really, really fulfilling that like heart centered meditation where you’re sending, you’re sending love to different people, right? And the way that it works is, you know, sending love to someone, you know, someone you love, sending love to a complete stranger, love and gratitude to just a passerby and their contribution to your life. And then someone that may have been an enemy at some point, someone that may have caused you harm. And like going through that gratitude meditation can help cultivate some more positive emotion and that tailwind for you moving forward. So those are, some of the key practices that I have listed out and that you can take and use at your disposal, my friends. Any closing remarks, Tony?

Tony: Yeah, you know, just one thing I’d say on top of everything you said, that if you want more out of your life or more into your life, you have to operate with gratitude. Because gratitude will allow that shift or that transfer, that transaction, that back and forth of good things happening to you because you have good things flowing from you. So if you want more for your life, start to operate in a way where you’re thankful all the time. And when you can find ways to be thankful even when it’s not a big deal, you will start to have these amazing things happening to you and you wonder why. And it’s because your heart posture is ready to receive more things. When you walk around with this this heart full of guck, it’s hard to have more good things flow into a heart like that. So open your heart up. Even when you’re sitting in traffic, find a way to be grateful. Turn on that present professional podcast and be like, man, I love these guys. And before you know it, you’ll be at your destination.

John: Man, you’re gonna end the episode with that, bringing up heart posture? Oh, man. All right, I’m taking that one. I’m taking that one, Tony. It’s for you, brother. Anyways, my friends, happy Thanksgiving. Be grateful, practice gratitude, share it with the ones that you love and eat well. Have a wonderful dinner and thank you. We are grateful for you, the listeners that keep us here. doing this week to week and we really want to express our gratitude for you spending your time here with us and investing in yourself and therefore investing in everyone that you know, love and meet in your life. So continue on that path. We wish you the best. We’re grateful for you. Happy Thanksgiving and much love. Connect with us anywhere that you get your podcasts and at the presentprofessionalpodcast.com. Take care of my friends.